On the rocks alert: The end of the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2011

In American gossip, the Queen Bitch is Angelina Jolie. In Brit gossip, it's Camilla Parker-Bowles. She is always scheming or collapsing over some setback or saying something nasty about someone. Here in the States, almost all these stories are in the Globe or the low rent Examiner.

For the third time in a year and a half, we have a story that Charles and Camilla have already divorced. Here are the details this time.

• Camilla & Charles It's Over!
• The final bust-up
• Their $300 million divorce
• Fighting in public June 11, 2011

A year ago, the settlement was $250 million, so obviously it's been a profitable year for the royals.

On the rocks alert: One gossip rag reports on Hugh Hefner being jilted.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to gossip hell, Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris! Lots of news organizations and online gossip outlets reported on 24 year old Crystal calling off the wedding to the 84 year old Hefner, but of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, only Us Weekly thought it was worth putting on the front cover this week.

Just a quick math note. A man who marries a woman twenty years his junior is marrying someone young enough to be his daughter. If she's sixty years younger, she could be his great-granddaughter.

Ick.

On the rocks alert: LeAnn marriage meltdown!

Publication: Star
Date: 27 June 2011

Way back in May 2010, Star wrote something nice about LeAnn Rimes. Since then, it's been nothing but negative stories about her in the most independent of the AMI rags. Though he is not mentioned by name, Star wants us to know that she is having trouble holding on to Eddie Cibrian, the man she stole from another woman.

On the rocks alert: Bill O'Reilly divorce scandal.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

The low rent Examiner is the only gossip rag that thinks its readers want to hear about Bill O'Reilly. The headline may be another bait and switch and Mr. O'Reilly marriage may be just fine. Personally, I don't care much one way or the other.

All this week's news about Pippa Middleton

Publications: Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

I thought Pippa Middleton was going to be a flash in the pan, especially here in the United States after the wedding was over, but the editors of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have other ideas. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Harry & Pippa! Their love secrets
  As rumors swirl of a secret date between Harry & Pippa, she leaves her boyfriend and steps out with secret royal
• Weekly Life & Style: Pippa upgrades to a millionaire
• In Touch: Pippa & Harry Secret Date!

According to British sources, she hasn't left her longtime boyfriend Alex Loudon, a guy who hasn't made it to the covers of the American gossip rags yet.

Man Slut Alert: More on the Arnold unpleasantness.

Publications: Globe, National Enquirer
Date: 27 June 2011

The only magazines currently still interested in Arnold Schwarzenegger's cheating ass are the Enquirer and the Globe, so as you can imagine, there isn't a whole lot of forgiveness in the stories. Here are the headlines.

• National Enquirer: Arnold's mistress breaks her silence
  Secret about their love child
  Her confession to Maria "I cried and dropped to my knees!"
• Globe: Cheating Arnold begs Maria: Take me back!
  She tells him: Go to hell!

The Enquirer has a picture of Mildred Baena and her son Joseph.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin falls for married man!

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 June 2011

Early in the year, the AMI kennel had several stories that said Todd Palin couldn't keep it in his pants. They have said the Palins were getting divorced several times as well. This is the first time they have gone with the story that Sarah may have a roving eye.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

On the rocks alert: Bachelorette drama with Ashley and Bentley

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are already going into overdrive on the new season of The Bachelorette and the show has barely started. Ashley has fallen for Bentley, but he turns out to have no feelings for her and said nasty stuff about her. Here are the four headlines.

• People: Bachelorette Ashley fights back "I feel so betrayed"
  The reality star on being mocked by the men who were supposed to adore her - and cruelly used by the one she wanted most
• OK!: Ashley stabbed in the heart!
  Bentley humiliated Ashley in front of America, but she's still pursuing him
  Shocking new details
  
• In Touch: Bentley scandal - The next bachelor?
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Ashley takes Bradley back
  Secret reunion in Hong Kong
  Bentley broke her heart, but Ashley is desperate to be with him again. Is she crazy?
  

On the rocks alert: Sean Penn dumps Scarlett Johansson.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 20 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The news of the breakup of Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson has been all over the online gossip world, but only Us Weekly puts it on the front cover.

I for one am glad to see it. Kind of a creepy couple if you ask me.

On the rocks alert: Clinton marriage crisis

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

There was a time when the Clinton marriage was prime tabloid fodder, but those days are long gone. This is only the second report of a Bill and Hillary Clinton marriage crisis is about a year and a half, and both reports have been in the low rent Examiner. The story says has Hillary packed on 50 lbs. after Bill threatened divorce.

Stay classy, low rent Examiner.

On the rocks alert: Cameron Diaz and A-Rod: It's over!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 June 2011

The Only Ten Magazine That Matter do not care about the scandals involving athletes, with the exception of Tiger Woods starting in late 2009. Athletes are only of interest if they are dating or married to famous women like actresses or pop stars or Kardashians.

Alex Rodriguez has decided he no long wants to be an interesting person, as he has dumped Cameron Diaz. He will now return to being the very good ballplayer who is ridiculously overpaid for his services, even by the ridiculous standards of modern American sport.

On the rocks alert: Rob and Kristen split!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 13 June 2011

Star magazine reports that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are no longer a couple. They say that cheating has torn them apart.

GossipCop.com calls bullshit on them, but this is nothing to sue over.

On the other hand, Angelina Jolie on heroin probably is something Star will get sued for, since they already lost cash calling Katie Holmes a pill popper.

On the rocks alert: John Edwards dumped by mistress!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 13 June 2011

Now that legitimate news sources are paying attention to the John Edwards situation, the Enquirer, the publication that pushed this story the hardest, is trying to stay ahead of the curve. They say Rielle Hunter has dumped his butt and will testify against him.

Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy, but she's not likely to have all the details on the money trail, and that's the part of the story that will decide the case.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin walks out on Todd!

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sisters hate Sarah Palin so much, you'd think she was a Scientologist. (Must her pallin' around with Greta Van Susterin so much.) In any case, the Globe is reporting that the marriage of Sarah and Todd is through. Here are the headlines.

• Cheating, lies & jealousy
• She moves into $1.7 million mansion in Arizona
• Divorce scandal explodes
  

It should be noted that the low rent Examiner said they were divorcing back in September, long before all the massage therapist rumors started in the Enquirer.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Teresa's shocking split: 'Fame destroyed my family!'

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 June 2011

Every version of Real Housewives produces a breakout star, which invariably means there is one psycho bitch that that makes all the other psycho bitches look sane and reasonable. In Real Housewives of New Jersey this season, it's Teresa Giudice. Here are the headlines.

• Housewives exclusive interview
• Husband Joe Fumes, "I'm leaving"
• Fights over money, booze & jealousy
• "I'm embarrassed for my kids," she confesses

Embarrassment for her kids? OMG, what kind of weak psycho bitch is she? These women are supposed to be at least as bad as Sarah Palin, but this woman seems to have both some self-awareness and compassion towards others.

Some producer at Real Housewives slipping if this is the worst villain they could find.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Scarlett trapped in Sean's dirty divorce.

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 6 June 2011

Star writes that Scarlett Johansson is trapped inside Sean Penn's divorce proceedings. In point of fact, the divorce from Robin Wright Penn was finalized last August, so she's really trapped in a nasty post-divorce situation.

I've been so creeped out by this story, I didn't do the math for the Sophisticated French Rule, which says that an older person may date a younger person if the younger party is more than half the elder's age plus seven. Sean Penn is 50 and Scarlett Johansson is 26, so this is a massive fail of the Sophisticated French Rule. To give you an idea of how bad this is, ten years from now when he is 60 and she is 36, she's still too young for him.

Ick.

On the rocks alert:BrAngelina in couples therapy

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 6 June 2011

I use the phrase The Only Ten Magazines That Matter to describe the supermarket rags, but it really splits into a few groups. There's the Sun and its silly prophecies and horoscope crap, there's the Old Timer gossip rags the Globe and the low rent Examiner, and then there are the other seven. One of the things that makes BrAngelina and their brood the most important story in the gossip world is that they can show up in any of the seven magazines that blab about people under 60 years old.

Last year, the Enquirer paid only scant attention to the couple and their kids, but there's been a shift in editorial policy and they are as likely as anyone to have stories about BrAngelina now. Their latest is they are in couples therapy.

On the rocks alert: Emily gives the ring back.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 6 June 2011

As a teacher, I understand the value of repetition in pedagogy, but this crap about the people on The Bachelor is getting ridiculous. For the past few weeks, it's been Weekly Life & Style that is entirely to blame, and there looks to be no chance for twists and turns. Emily said yes, then said no, and has been saying the same NO for weeks now.

Time to move on, Weekly Life & Style. You're the last kid on the playground and the fun has completely worn off.

On the rocks alert: More from the Arnold and Maria circus

Publications: People, Globe, National Enquirer, Star

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! In an interesting grouping, it's the richer dogs in the AMI kennel and People who are continuing with the story of Arnold and Maria and God only know how many other women. Here are the headlines.

• People: Maria's torment - new details
• Globe: Cheating Schwarzenegger sex tape shocker
• National Enquirer: Arnold's $500 million divorce
• maid's best friend tells all
• Arnold used taxpayer's money for mistresses
• Maria taking his whole fortune
• Star: Maria to Arnold: "You're a pig!"
• 32 women 2 more kids
• caught in bed with housekeeper
• She'll spill his dirtiest secret
• Decades of lies and betrayal
• Shocking inside details from the mag that broke the story

I'd like to address the Star's contention that they are the magazine that broke the story.

Bullshit.

The reason she threw him out was because of the love child from a decade ago. That is NOT the story the AMI rags were pushing at first. They had some woman named Gigi Goyette who claimed to be his mistress. It was an entirely different story and the Star is trying to lie about it not two weeks after the fact. Arnold and Maria weren't worth a single cover story in 2010 and none in 2011 until this month. Also, both People and the Enquirer had it on the cover first AND all of them were scooped by the regular daily press.

On the rocks alert: Angelina jealous over another woman.

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 30 May 2011

Two stories about Brad Pitt stepping out, one from an AMI rag and another from a non-AMI rag. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Angelina and Brad's fight over a woman
• Star: Angie catches Brad… with the nanny!
  young, sexy and a Jen lookalike