Bun in the oven alert™?: Joran van der Sloot gets a girl pregnant in jail!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

The last Joran van der Sloot update was back in April, but this week the Globe tells us her has gotten a girl pregnant while in jail in Peru. They also identify his as "Natalee's killer", a reasonable assumption but not a thing ever proved in court.

The Globe is proud that this is a "world exclusive". Of course, when you make stuff up, it's easier to have world exclusives.

On the rocks alert: The end of the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2011

In American gossip, the Queen Bitch is Angelina Jolie. In Brit gossip, it's Camilla Parker-Bowles. She is always scheming or collapsing over some setback or saying something nasty about someone. Here in the States, almost all these stories are in the Globe or the low rent Examiner.

For the third time in a year and a half, we have a story that Charles and Camilla have already divorced. Here are the details this time.

• Camilla & Charles It's Over!
• The final bust-up
• Their $300 million divorce
• Fighting in public June 11, 2011

A year ago, the settlement was $250 million, so obviously it's been a profitable year for the royals.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? What Diana would look like at 50.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

A lot of the American supermarket gossip rags are run by Brits who think we are WAY more interested in British royalty than we actually are. Somebody has decided to use some age advancement software on pictures of Princess Diana to give an idea of what she would look like now at the age of 50.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin love child scandal!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

Once again, an AMI scandal sheet is spreading rumors about Sarah Palin, saying she is involved in a love child scandal.

First off, d'uh! Her grandkid is a love child. Bristol gave birth and didn't get married, remember?

I'm assuming the only way it could be a scandal is if there is another baby on the way, but if that's the case, it's damned unlikely the "love child" will belong to Sarah, even though she is the only one named in the story. I assume they are talking about Todd fathering a kid, but I didn't open the magazine to find out.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: Barry Manilow's plastic surgery disaster!

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Barry Manilow! Technically, he should not count as Hey Old Timer Gossip since he was not a nationally known hitmaker until after I graduated high school, but when I was in high school, he was writing jingles and working for Bette Midler, so he was well on his way.

Barry's in his late sixties now, so his story is going to be in the Globe (or the low rent Examiner) and like most people his age in the gossip rags, the story is about plastic surgery gone wrong.

All this week's news about Wills'N'Kate

Publications: Globe, People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

The Royal Couple are still a hot topic in the gossip rags, and they will probably stay that way as long as Kate is pretty, which could be quite a while. Here are the positive headlines.

People: The Princess Diaries
In her new role as duchess and wife, Kate dazzles the world with her real-girl glamour. Plus the couple pick a palace.

Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate: Inside their palace

But since every punch bowl is just another urinal to the dogs in the AMI kennel, here's the Globe's take on the situation.

Globe: As pressure mounts for Royal baby…
William's wife snaps!
Kate: "Now I know how Diana felt"
Secret letters hide shocking torment

Man Slut Alert: More on the Arnold unpleasantness.

Publications: Globe, National Enquirer
Date: 27 June 2011

The only magazines currently still interested in Arnold Schwarzenegger's cheating ass are the Enquirer and the Globe, so as you can imagine, there isn't a whole lot of forgiveness in the stories. Here are the headlines.

• National Enquirer: Arnold's mistress breaks her silence
  Secret about their love child
  Her confession to Maria "I cried and dropped to my knees!"
• Globe: Cheating Arnold begs Maria: Take me back!
  She tells him: Go to hell!

The Enquirer has a picture of Mildred Baena and her son Joseph.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin falls for married man!

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 June 2011

Early in the year, the AMI kennel had several stories that said Todd Palin couldn't keep it in his pants. They have said the Palins were getting divorced several times as well. This is the first time they have gone with the story that Sarah may have a roving eye.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Man Slut Alert: Bill Clinton caught with lingerie model.

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

The Globe publishes a picture of Bill Clinton sitting next to a woman at what appears to be a conference and then a picture of her modeling lingerie, though it may not be a recent picture.

I guess if I had the choice of being portrayed as a walking corpse or a horn dog, I'd take the latter. Since his hospitalization early last year, there have been about twice as many stories about him being near death as there have been stories about him being near some honey who isn't his wife.

She Fought The Law Alert™: Casey Anthony's drunken party!

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

While several gossip rags have had stories about the murder trial now taking place in Florida, the Globe is by far the most invested in the story. They have photos from a drunken party they say took place just four days after the little girl was murdered.

Let's recall that the National Enquirer had a headline to the effect Casey Anthony will walk free. The trial isn't over yet, but this looks like as bad a prediction as has been made all year, and I'm including Dr. Harold Camping.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Secret James Arness took with him to the grave.

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! James Arness died last Wednesday, and not surprisingly, one of the rags specializing in Hey Old Timer Gossip has to tell us about a secret he took to the grave.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: A "Where Are They Now?" for 50s and 60s rockers.

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Globe puts a mess of old rock and rollers on the cover and in no way assumes that any of them are one step from the grave. They have pictures of Bobby Rydell, Chuck Berry, Brenda Lee and a "guess who?" of a "rockin' grandma" who is pretty obviously Grace Slick. The meanest part of this generally not mean nostalgia is bringing up the comfy shoe orientation of Leslie Gore, a fact she confirmed in 2005, though people who read the Globe may not have heard the news just yet.

Hey! It's her party and she'll cry if she wants to!

You would cry, too, if it happened to you.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? What killed Jeff Conaway?

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

People did not put a tribute to Jeff Conaway on the cover, but the Globe does the next best thing and questions the cause of his death.

Stay classy, Globe!

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin walks out on Todd!

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sisters hate Sarah Palin so much, you'd think she was a Scientologist. (Must her pallin' around with Greta Van Susterin so much.) In any case, the Globe is reporting that the marriage of Sarah and Todd is through. Here are the headlines.

• Cheating, lies & jealousy
• She moves into $1.7 million mansion in Arizona
• Divorce scandal explodes
  

It should be noted that the low rent Examiner said they were divorcing back in September, long before all the massage therapist rumors started in the Enquirer.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton anorexia shocker!

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

The idea that Kate Middleton is way too skinny is not new to the gossip rags. The Globe reported that she weighed 105 lbs. last summer. I don't know how much she weighs, but she is 5'10" (1m78) and she always looks very trim. I've never seen pictures of her where her legs or arms look like spindles or her skin shows every rib, the way Callista Flockhart or Teri Hatcher have looked from time to time.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Macho Man death crash photo: wrestling tragedy.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

The target market for the Globe and the low rent Examiner watch a lot of TV, so it's no surprise that they would have Macho Man Randy Savage on the cover after his untimely death in a car crash.

Given that it's the Globe, it's also no surprise that they would morbidly publish a photo of the crash.

Stay classy, Globe.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Princess Kate's revenge on backstabbing Camilla.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

Today, we catch up on the folks who are in the top ten for number of stories in 2011. The Globe tells us Princess Katherine has taken off the tiara and is checking out how much damage she can do with the scepter. According to this story, she's told father-in-law Charles to divorce Camilla and William has a "shocking reaction".

Meanest Story nominee: Secret autopsy reveals foul play in the death of Miss Elizabeth Taylor.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

It's been two months since Miss Elizabeth Taylor died, but she is still one of the most popular gossip topics of 2011 for The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. The Globe is re-hashing the story that foul play might have been involved in her death, this time telling us there was a "secret autopsy".

Best wishes as always to the family and friends of Miss Taylor, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: 100 sled dogs massacred!

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

Usually, the Meanest Story of the Week competition is about a nasty and possibly untrue piece of gossip and the meanness is on the part of the magazine's decision to publish. But this story is confirmed and the meanness is the act itself. Investigators in British Columbia have found that 100 sled dogs used in the 2010 Winter Olympics had been killed because of slumping tourism. Authorities are pursuing the matter as a criminal act of animal cruelty.

This is a Meanest Story nominee.

On the rocks alert: More from the Arnold and Maria circus

Publications: People, Globe, National Enquirer, Star

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! In an interesting grouping, it's the richer dogs in the AMI kennel and People who are continuing with the story of Arnold and Maria and God only know how many other women. Here are the headlines.

• People: Maria's torment - new details
• Globe: Cheating Schwarzenegger sex tape shocker
• National Enquirer: Arnold's $500 million divorce
• maid's best friend tells all
• Arnold used taxpayer's money for mistresses
• Maria taking his whole fortune
• Star: Maria to Arnold: "You're a pig!"
• 32 women 2 more kids
• caught in bed with housekeeper
• She'll spill his dirtiest secret
• Decades of lies and betrayal
• Shocking inside details from the mag that broke the story

I'd like to address the Star's contention that they are the magazine that broke the story.

Bullshit.

The reason she threw him out was because of the love child from a decade ago. That is NOT the story the AMI rags were pushing at first. They had some woman named Gigi Goyette who claimed to be his mistress. It was an entirely different story and the Star is trying to lie about it not two weeks after the fact. Arnold and Maria weren't worth a single cover story in 2010 and none in 2011 until this month. Also, both People and the Enquirer had it on the cover first AND all of them were scooped by the regular daily press.