Bun in the oven alert™?: Joran van der Sloot gets a girl pregnant in jail!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

The last Joran van der Sloot update was back in April, but this week the Globe tells us her has gotten a girl pregnant while in jail in Peru. They also identify his as "Natalee's killer", a reasonable assumption but not a thing ever proved in court.

The Globe is proud that this is a "world exclusive". Of course, when you make stuff up, it's easier to have world exclusives.

He Fought The Law Alert™: Joran and his dad hid Natalee's Body in a Tomb.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 April 2011

When Joran van der Sloot was captured in Peru last year, the Enquirer and People put him on the cover, identifying him as Natalee Holloway's likely killer. Since then, the only magazine that has mentioned Natalee has been the Enquirer. This week, they say van der Sloot's dad was complicit in hiding the evidence. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Tossed her body in a corpse filled casket
• FBI finds murder details on his computer
  

Last June, the Enquirer said they had found her grave. That was a lie. In November, they said she was buried alive. No evidence there either, but that has never stood in the way of the Enquirer when there is a grisly story to be told.

They fought the law alert™: The low rent Examiner goes on a crime spree.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 21 March 2011

The low rent Examiner goes with three different crime stories taking up most of the cover. First of all, they say Joran van der Sloot, who they call "Natalee's killer", could go free.

Stranger things have happened, but don't count on it.

They also say JonBenet's "confessed killer" is starting a JonBenet cult. The quotations around the phrase confessed killer are from the cover story.

The last headline concerns Kyron Harmon, an Oregon boy who went missing last year and whose stepmother was accused of a murder for hire plot against Kyron's dad.

The headline reads "Did Kyron's evil stepmom get away with murder?"

He fought the Law alert:Joran van der Sloot slashes guard

Publication: Globe
Date: 14 February 2011

It's been two months since we got any updates on Joran van der Sloot! Where does the time go?

Anyway, he's still in jail in Peru, but now he slashed a guard.

I joined a dead pool for the first time this year, where you get points for correctly predicting who will die in 2011. All the people on my list are those who have been slated for death by the tabloids last year. Joran is one of the forty on my list, and of all of them, I won't feel even a tiny bit bad if I'm right about him.