And the camera noses in to the tears on his face: Glen Campbell diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 July 2011

The National Enquirer has published a front page story that singer Glen Campbell, 75, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. They add the detail that he sobbed when he heard the news.

To be honest, if I was in his situation, I'd cry, too.

Campbell actually broke the news in an interview with People, but the Enquirer was the first to put him on the cover.

Best wishes to Mr. Campbell, his friends and family, from a fan.



Best

Non scoop of the week! O.J. Simpson confesses the murders to Oprah!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Enquirer says a "pal" of O.J.'s has reported that O.J. confessed to the murders from seventeen years ago when he talked recently to Oprah Winfrey.

It's complete horseshit. Oprah denies it up and down.

When you think that those murders happened seventeen years ago, do you feel a little old? Yeah, me too.

Love Bird Alert™ with a side order of hairdresser: Jen and Justin move forward!

Publications: National Enquirer, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

More stories about Jen and Justin. Us Weekly called them "Justifer" on their website. I pray to Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus that doesn't catch on. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Jen & Justin moving in!
• OK!: Jen & Justin: Moving too fast!
• National Enquirer: Jen discovers new boyfriend's gay secret
  

Do you notice a subtle difference in the editorial choices? I thought you might.

Man Slut Alert: More on the Arnold unpleasantness.

Publications: Globe, National Enquirer
Date: 27 June 2011

The only magazines currently still interested in Arnold Schwarzenegger's cheating ass are the Enquirer and the Globe, so as you can imagine, there isn't a whole lot of forgiveness in the stories. Here are the headlines.

• National Enquirer: Arnold's mistress breaks her silence
  Secret about their love child
  Her confession to Maria "I cried and dropped to my knees!"
• Globe: Cheating Arnold begs Maria: Take me back!
  She tells him: Go to hell!

The Enquirer has a picture of Mildred Baena and her son Joseph.

Meanest Story nominee: Casey Anthony tortured Caylee before killing her.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 27 June 2011

The dogs from the AMI kennel are still making hay at the murder trial of Casey Anthony. The actual news reported by the legitimate press is already compelling, but the Enquirer still needs to spice things up and tell us Casey Anthony tortured her daughter before killing her.

Because obviously, killing a little girl won't make us hate her enough already.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Pictures of Anthony Weiner cross-dressing!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 27 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Enquirer found pictures of Anthony Weiner wearing lingerie and published them. They promise that inside there is a "photo of perverted politician oiled up and stripped down!"


They then put up a headline on their website "WEINER RESIGNS AFTER ENQUIRER PUBLISHES LINGERIE PHOTOS!"

In critical thinking classes, there is this idea that "sequence is not consequence", but the Enquirer makes so many critical thinking errors, including flat out lying, this one is just another of a long list of their faults.

Reminds me of Trump taking credit for the release of Obama's long-form birth certificate.

Bad Boss Alert: Paula Deen's filthy food secrets.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

I know that online gossip and supermarket gossip do not aim at the same demographic, so I have no idea if Paula Deen sells magazines or not. All I know is that her fans find the posts I put up here on this blog with astonishing regularity. This week, a disgruntled former employee says Ms. Deen eats off customers' plates and sticks her filthy fingers in their food.

Stay classy, Enquirer!

Damn You Fat Alert™:Kirstie Alley packs on the pounds.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

The Enquirer never gets tired of mocking Kirstie Alley for her weight. This week, they say she has an eating disorder and claim she has gained 12 pounds since losing on Dancing With The Stars.

He Fought The Law Alert™: John Edwards' nailed by dead wife's video testimony

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

The Enquirer has been the source on every story but one since the beginning of 2010 about John Edwards, and even that story was more about Elizabeth than it was about him. Now there's a fresh story that her video testimony will be damning in a court of law.

I don't know anything more about legal matters than what I watch on TV, but doesn't the defense have a right to cross-examine any witness? It will be interesting to see if any evidence like this actually sees the light of day.

Meanest Story nominee: Angelina's miscarriage drama!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

Last week, the Enquirer won the Meanest Story of the Week vote hands down writing that Angelina was anorexic, weighed 99 pounds and was hooked on heroin. This week, they go with a story that may be even worse about the favorite topic of the gossip rags, that she had a miscarriage. Here are the headlines.

• The secret they're hiding
• Brad finds her on the floor covered in blood
• She begs him: "Save our baby!"
• Pregnancy dream shattered as weight continues to drop
  

Because of the gruesome details, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: Plastic surgery shockers!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 13 June 2011

The Enquirer once again smacks women around for the sin of getting old and blames plastic surgeons. The targets this time around are Cher, Goldie Hawn, Courtney Love, Lara Flynn Boyle, Tina Louise and Maria Shriver. There were also three "Guess who?" sets of boobs, but that would mean opening the magazine.

As much as I like boobs, it wasn't temptation enough.

She Fought The Law Alert™:As the trial starts, the gossip rags pay attention to the Casey Anthony trial.

Publications: People, National Enquirer, OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Before this week, all the news about Casey Anthony, the mom on trial for her life for allegedly killing her daughter, has been in the Enquirer and Globe. Now that the trial has started, both People and OK! get in the game and the Enquirer takes a new tack. Here are the headlines.

• People: Caylee Anthony murder case
  Secrets & Lies
  Mom's shocking defense
  Bombshell testimony, new claims of sexual abuse inside accused killer Casey Anthony's trial strategy
• OK!: Casey Anthony caught in a lie
• National Enquirer: Casey Anthony will walk free!
  Killer mom's plan to escape death row!

As usual, if everyone else is saying x, the Enquirer feels duty bound to say "NOT x!"

Call it a marketing strategy.

Or lying. Whatever.

Dancing With The Stars rigged!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 6 June 2011

The Enquirer goes with a cover story saying Dancing With The Stars is rigged this season, and they put pictures of the finalists Kirstie Alley, Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane on the cover.

Here's the thing. They said the same thing two months ago and predicted the eventual winner would be Kirstie Alley or Kendra Wilkinson, two names well known to the readers of gossip rags.

Hines Ward won. He's not well known to the gossip world, but he's an athlete. Athletes do really well on this show.

This is exactly the type of story I had in mind when I started this blog, a time when the Enquirer expects that everyone has the attention span of a gnat and it will be ignored that their bold prediction of just two months ago was complete horseshit.

Guess what, Enquirer? I don't have the attention span of a gnat. I publish on the Internet, where nothing ever completely disappears down the memory hole.

The Enquirer prints lies, guesses and nonsense with astonishing regularity. This blog is here to catch the worst cases.

You're welcome. I'm glad to do it.

On the rocks alert:BrAngelina in couples therapy

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 6 June 2011

I use the phrase The Only Ten Magazines That Matter to describe the supermarket rags, but it really splits into a few groups. There's the Sun and its silly prophecies and horoscope crap, there's the Old Timer gossip rags the Globe and the low rent Examiner, and then there are the other seven. One of the things that makes BrAngelina and their brood the most important story in the gossip world is that they can show up in any of the seven magazines that blab about people under 60 years old.

Last year, the Enquirer paid only scant attention to the couple and their kids, but there's been a shift in editorial policy and they are as likely as anyone to have stories about BrAngelina now. Their latest is they are in couples therapy.

On the rocks alert: More from the Arnold and Maria circus

Publications: People, Globe, National Enquirer, Star

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! In an interesting grouping, it's the richer dogs in the AMI kennel and People who are continuing with the story of Arnold and Maria and God only know how many other women. Here are the headlines.

• People: Maria's torment - new details
• Globe: Cheating Schwarzenegger sex tape shocker
• National Enquirer: Arnold's $500 million divorce
• maid's best friend tells all
• Arnold used taxpayer's money for mistresses
• Maria taking his whole fortune
• Star: Maria to Arnold: "You're a pig!"
• 32 women 2 more kids
• caught in bed with housekeeper
• She'll spill his dirtiest secret
• Decades of lies and betrayal
• Shocking inside details from the mag that broke the story

I'd like to address the Star's contention that they are the magazine that broke the story.

Bullshit.

The reason she threw him out was because of the love child from a decade ago. That is NOT the story the AMI rags were pushing at first. They had some woman named Gigi Goyette who claimed to be his mistress. It was an entirely different story and the Star is trying to lie about it not two weeks after the fact. Arnold and Maria weren't worth a single cover story in 2010 and none in 2011 until this month. Also, both People and the Enquirer had it on the cover first AND all of them were scooped by the regular daily press.

Buns in the oven alert™: Scandalized teacher expecting twins.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 30 May 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Debra LaFave! The Enquirer wants us to know the teacher who convicted of having sex with a 14 year old student in 2004 when she was 23 is now expecting twins. No word as to who the father is.

On the rocks alert: Oprah love triangle explodes!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 30 May 2011

This Saturday, it's all about royalty here at It's News 2 Them™, which means stories about the Queen of TV Oprah Winfrey and those people over in England, whose names slip my mind for the moment.

Oprah and Stedman and Gayle. The eternal triangle. Or is it eternal? According to the Enquirer, Gayle is none too happy about Stedman moving back into the mansion and has laid down the standard "It's him or me!" ultimatum.

Heavy lies the head that wears the crown.

On the rocks alert: Dog shit from the AMI kennel about Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gigi Goyette.

Publications: National Enquirer, Star
Date: 30 May 2011

There is an actual news story going on about Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver being separated, and it looks like it's heading toward divorce. Real news organizations are focusing on the fact a woman came forward as the mother of a love child of Schwarzenegger's over a decade ago.

This gives the AMI kennel a chance to drag out a story they have had for years, allegations from a woman named Gigi Jeffers Goyette that she was Arnold's mistress for year and that he first had sex with her back in the 1970s when she was 16, so it would count as statutory rape in California. AMI paid her $20,000 hush money back in 2005, but now they want her to blab. She has also hired Gloria Allred, a move that just screams credibility. Here are the headlines about this nonsense.

• National Enquirer: Arnold's mistress tells all
• Star: Arnold cheated while Maria stayed in same hotel
  other woman tells all

What this woman has to say may or may not be true, but it's not the story that broke up the marriage.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week: Travolta's battle to save tragic "Taxi" star.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to 2011 tabloid gossip hell, Jeff Conaway!

For those of you visiting the blog for the first time, know that AMI, the company that owns the National Enquirer and four other gossip rags, hates Scientology with every fiber of their being, hating John Travolta, Kirstie Alley and Tom Cruise almost equally. So this week, it comes as a surprise that they put up a positive story about Travolta doing his best to help out his Grease co-star Jeff Conaway, whose problems with booze and pain killers have been well documented on all those miserable celebrity rehab shows.

I have no love for Scientology either, but anyone willing to reach out to help a pal from back in the day is doing the right thing in my book.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Britney Spears back in shape

Publications: People, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, National Enquirer
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Four magazines weigh in about Britney Spears' new weight, which is a lot of magazines. In recent months, four or more cover stories in the same week have meant either weddings (Wills'N'Kate, Reese Witherspoon) or crap about The Bachelor. In any case, here are the headlines.

• People: Britney backstage Exclusive photos
• OK!: Britney: How I lost 20 lbs.
• Weekly Life & Style: Britney's hot body
  her diet secrets
• National Enquirer: Britney's new body shocker!
  How she really lost 30 lbs. in 40 days

This is a telling example of how the Enquirer maintains its lead as the Meanest Gossip Rag In America.