Love Bird Alert™: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

Jennifer Aniston's love life is still an evergreen story in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and now that they all agree she has a new fella, expect her to get cover stories all throughout the summer. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen's romance heats up
• OK!: Jen & Justin engagement news
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen: "I am not a home wrecker!"
• Us Weekly: How Jen stole her man
  They're wearing matching rings and he's moved in - Jen's falling hard and fast for Justin Theroux. But did she pull an Angelina to find her new love?

A couple notes. People avoids the homewrecker angle on the cover. They use the phrase "heats up" a lot. A few months back, George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis were "heating up", and you can see how much that means.

OK!, the magazine that jumps the gun in nearly every situation, already has them engaged. The other two are just being mean.

I said that Jen's love life is a favorite story in the gossip rags and obviously it is, but it's also obvious that she is interesting because her life brushed up against Angelina Jolie, the Most Interesting Woman In The World as far as the gossip industry is concerned. Us Weekly reminds us of this obvious fact in the headline, mentioning Angie when she is nowhere near this story.

Love Bird Alert™ with a side order of hairdresser: Jen and Justin move forward!

Publications: National Enquirer, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

More stories about Jen and Justin. Us Weekly called them "Justifer" on their website. I pray to Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus that doesn't catch on. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Jen & Justin moving in!
• OK!: Jen & Justin: Moving too fast!
• National Enquirer: Jen discovers new boyfriend's gay secret
  

Do you notice a subtle difference in the editorial choices? I thought you might.

Love Bird Alert™: More about Justin and Jen!

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 20 June 2011

Right now, all the supermarket rags are in agreement that Jennifer Aniston is dating Justin Theroux. In Touch and Star both have headlines about America's favorite spinster.

• In Touch: Pal lashes out: "Jen's a homewrecker!"
• Star: Jen & Justin move in!

It is a slight surprise that the meaner story is in the magazine NOT part of the AMI kennel, but even in the supermarket rags there is a surprise every now and then.

Hussy alert: Jen stole her new man.

Publication: Star
Date: 13 June 2011

Lots of stories about Jennifer Aniston in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week and they all have a different slant. Star says she stole her new fella from some unidentified party. They don't name Justin Theroux by name, but he is the consensus pick for her new beau.

After all the guys who have been stolen from her, I say it's only fair she gets a turn, right?

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: What tore Jen and Courteney apart!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 13 June 2011

Back in April, there were several stories about Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox fighting over a guy named Josh Hopkins. Now, the gossip rags have Jen paired off with Justin Theroux, but Us Weekly wants us to know the short lived romance has spawned a long term rift between the two actresses who have known each other for about half their lifetimes.

Love Bird Alert™?: Jen and Brad's emotional reunion!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 13 June 2011

The supermarket rags never tire of America's favorite spinster, Jennifer Aniston. While most of the stories over the past few weeks have focused on her new fella Justin Theroux, In Touch spins a tale about the big fish that got away, Brad Pitt. Here are the headlines.

• Betraying Angelina, Brad pours his heart out to Jen on May 18
• Plus: the expensive gift he bought her and their plan to meet again
  
  

Love Bird Alert™: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to gossip hell, Justin Theroux! He is Jennifer Aniston's co-star in the movie Wanderlust, set to be released this fall, and allegedly they are a couple.

Recall that Jennifer was also supposed to be a couple with Gerard Butler last year, her co-star in The Bounty Hunter.

In any case, here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Jen's new man: Trash collector!
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen and co-star Justin Theroux: "She's fantastic"

I'm pretty sure the In Touch headline is some play on words, but as usual I didn't open the magazine to check.

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, I should wish the happy couple all the best, but it's kind of like hoping Lucy will finally let Charlie Brown kick the football or really believing the Cubs are going to go all the way this year.

Adults shouldn't allow themselves to believe such silliness.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen's secret lover tells all!

Publication: Star
Date: 16 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Lots of stuff has happened in the world since the last time the supermarket rags came out, and there are stories about many of those events. But let's start the week with the story where nothing really happens and the gossip rags just make things up, Jennifer Aniston's love life.

There's a small picture of Jen and a guy named Brian. Looking online, she dated a guy named Brian Bouma about three years ago, but no gossip about them since, so it may not be the same Brian. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Star world exclusive interview
• She's having a baby!
• Why she waited so long
• How Brad changed her forever
  

This is not the first time the supermarket rags have told false stories about Jennifer Aniston's ovaries, so I can wait until the end of the year review when this story will be eight months old to figure out if this one is true or false.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen's falling for Bradley Cooper!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 9 May 2011

Jennifer Aniston and her stunningly bad luck with men is one of the stories the supermarket rags will never abandon. This week, In Touch has her head over heels for Bradley Cooper. Here are the headlines.

• Jen falls for Bradley: Yes, she's in love!
• From steamy texts to talks of their "future together", why friends fear Jen's moving too fast… again!

Both commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive and I have our somewhat exotic theories as to what has made Jen's love life a shambles, but maybe that second sentence explains the situation more simply.

She's really, really clingy and nobody likes that.

Love Bird Alert™: "It's on!" between Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper.

Publication: OK!
Date: 2 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Even if there is nothing real to report, the Only Ten Magazines That Matter keep coming back the same stories again and again, most especially Jennifer Aniston's completely up in the air love life and BrAngelina's tempestuous relationship.

OK!, the nicest if not the most reliable of the supermarket rags, tells us that "It's On!" between Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper.

The post just below this one from the headline from Us Weekly in the same news cycle tells a completely different story.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bradley disses Jen... again

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 2 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two stories about Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Aniston this week, but since they pull in completely opposite directions, I'm giving them separate posts.

If we are to believe Us Weekly, the 36 year old successful actor wants noting to do with the 42 year old spinster, regardless of how hot she looks in a bikini or how much her house is worth.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:How Courteney stole Jen's man!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 25 April 2011

Yet again, Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of a supermarket rag and, yet again, the story involves her love life.

Did you guess that it ends badly? Yes, I'm sure you did if you have been paying even the tiniest amount of attention. This appears to be a re-hash about the guy Courteney introduced to Jen then stole for herself.

If Kim Kardashian actually does get married, Jen will be all alone in the race for America's Spinster.

But that would be fitting, wouldn't it? Spinsters are supposed to be all alone.

On the rocks alert: Courteney double-crosses Jen!

Publications: Star, Us Weekly
Date: 18 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two (slightly) different stories about Courteney Cox this week, with the twist being her old pal Jennifer Aniston is thrown into the mix in one version. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Courtney & her co-star: Secret Fling Exposed
• Star: Courtney Double-Cross
  dates co-star Josh Hopkins after she fixed him up with Jen

Welcome to gossip hell, Josh Hopkins! Is this really the level of guy who will come between best buds like Courteney and Jen?

Hmm, maybe. Neither of them is getting any younger.

Not a meanest story nominee: Jennifer Aniston breast cancer drama!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! It's no secret the gossip rags love Jennifer Aniston, but she hasn't had that many stories in the Enquirer or any of the other Three Wicked Step Sisters. The last time The Flagship mentioned her, she was supposed to be a fall down drunk. Now she's supposed to have breast cancer.

Or does she? The sub-headline reads "leading the fight against the deadly disease!", which makes you wonder if she has breast cancer or if someone she knows has breast cancer.

Here's a handy rule of thumb. If a story in the gossip rags has the word "drama" in it, it probably isn't the thing you thought they insinuated.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen wants Bradley back.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 11 April 2011

Just because America's favorite spinster Jennifer Aniston isn't actually seeing anyone and her most recent movie is now two months old and playing in just a handful of theaters is no reason she shouldn't be on the cover of a supermarket rag. In Touch tells us that she is pining for the charms of Bradley Cooper, the guy who just dumped Renee Zellweger.

While there is evidence the couple has met, including this telephoto lens shot form 2009, Cooper denied at the time that they were seeing each other.

Bad Help Alert:Hollywood stylists get serious about the dish!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 4 April 2011

I am ambivalent about bad help alerts.

Nannies blabbing to the gossip rags about kids? I disapprove.

Stylists blabbing about hair, make-up and wardrobe? Oh, somebody make some popcorn, this is going to be fun!

Star devotes a huge amount of their cover to dirt about celebrity beauty secrets, some questions given as "Guess who?", which means you will have to buy the magazine yourself to find out because I refuse to open these things unless under serious duress, and several stories where they name names. Here are all the headlines.

• Hollywood stylists tell all the flaws, the fakes, the fights
• Who has a closet just for Spanx?
• Who duct tapes her boobs?
• Who waxes her freaky toes?
• Who has to be sewn into her dresses?
• Who steals from her stylist?
• LeeAnn (Rimes): Starving for attention
• Rihanna: Seeing red
• Jen (Aniston): Finger fungus
• J. LO: Squeeze play (She is the boob duct taper.)
• Camille (Grammer): Closet confidential
• Bethenny (Frankel): Zit fit
  

I only know the boob duct tape story because Star put it on the front page of their website. As much as I might want to know who waxes her freaky toes and who steals from her stylist, I do have rules, and I obey them slavishly except under the most extreme situations.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen moving for a man.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 21 March 2011

Three different stories about Jennifer Aniston this week with next to nothing in common except the spelling of her name. OK! says she's going to have or get a baby, Star speculates that she's had work don on her face and In Touch goes with the tried and true story of her increasingly desperate love life. If we are to believe In Touch, she's moving from her palatial estate to be with some guy, because what self-respecting male would want to live in a place that is so... girly?!

The other obvious undercurrent is her continuing spinsterhood, which keeps her a favorite target of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Enboobening Alert™ and Problems With Plastic Alert™: Courteney's new boobs, Jen's new face

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 21 March 2011

Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox, stars of Friends about a jillion years ago, actually are still friends, so Star takes a shot at both of them with a headline implying both of them have had work done, Jen north of the neck and Courteney slightly south. Jen's "new face" story is the same thing many of us were being catty about last week, while there are "now" and "then" pictures of Courteney in bikini tops that make her look more zaftig in the more recent photo.

Bun In The Oven Alert™? :Jen's big baby news confirmed!

Publication: OK!
Date: 21 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If there was a contest for the most gossip-worthy organs in Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston's ovaries would likely be in first place, even more worthy of speculation than Charlie Sheen's liver or brain. The sub-headlines read:

• A Baby on my own!
• "It's a done deal!"
  
• Jen shocks friends on her European tour by revealing she's finally going to be a mom

Of course, it might not be her ovaries. She could be Pulling a Bullock and adopting, which was the story in late January when Star plastered her picture all over the cover.

You can pick up OK! yourself to find out if she's preggers or adopting, but it really doesn't matter. The story in January was denied and this one is being denied as well.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen's new look and new love

(photo copyright Getty Images)
Publication: OK!
Date: 14 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The gossip rags still need to talk about Jennifer Aniston, and this story in OK! is an interesting mix of what she was famous for twenty years ago (her haircut, though slightly different back then) and what she is famous for now, her on-again but mainly off-again love life. OK! likes short headlines, so they do not give a hint of who the new fella is on the cover and they are also coy about his identity on their website, so if you want to find out, you'll have to buy the magazine yourself.

Who am I kidding? You'll have to pick up the magazine in the supermarket checkout line, thumb through it and put it back.

As for the haircut, it is not remarkable enough to take my focus off of her raccoon eyeliner and slightly pudgy chin. Looks like she needs to put the tequila way back in the liquor cabinet for awhile and give somebody else the keys.