Love Bird Alert™: Jen's falling for Bradley Cooper!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 9 May 2011

Jennifer Aniston and her stunningly bad luck with men is one of the stories the supermarket rags will never abandon. This week, In Touch has her head over heels for Bradley Cooper. Here are the headlines.

• Jen falls for Bradley: Yes, she's in love!
• From steamy texts to talks of their "future together", why friends fear Jen's moving too fast… again!

Both commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive and I have our somewhat exotic theories as to what has made Jen's love life a shambles, but maybe that second sentence explains the situation more simply.

She's really, really clingy and nobody likes that.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bradley disses Jen... again

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 2 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two stories about Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Aniston this week, but since they pull in completely opposite directions, I'm giving them separate posts.

If we are to believe Us Weekly, the 36 year old successful actor wants noting to do with the 42 year old spinster, regardless of how hot she looks in a bikini or how much her house is worth.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:How Courteney stole Jen's man!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 25 April 2011

Yet again, Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of a supermarket rag and, yet again, the story involves her love life.

Did you guess that it ends badly? Yes, I'm sure you did if you have been paying even the tiniest amount of attention. This appears to be a re-hash about the guy Courteney introduced to Jen then stole for herself.

If Kim Kardashian actually does get married, Jen will be all alone in the race for America's Spinster.

But that would be fitting, wouldn't it? Spinsters are supposed to be all alone.

On the rocks alert: Kim K. betrayed before the wedding!

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 April 2011

Welcome back to the Kim Kardashian story! Those of you paying close attention know that her only alleged boyfriend of the year so far is basketball player Kris Humphries. OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags if not the most reliable, had them moving in together, then planning the Wedding of the Century, both stories last month. No other magazines have gone nearly this far with the story.

So while OK! appears to be alone in inventing this fantasy, it also looks like they've decided to add some drama to it. The Wedding of the Century is off before anyone official ever said it was on! Here are the headlines.

• Kim's worst nightmare
• Kris' ex warns 'He won't go through with it'
• Kris picked out Kim's engagement ring, but she's shattered by a secret that could ruin everything

Will pretty little Kim ever find true happiness? Or is she destined to wander the world alone, that saddest of humankind, the fabulously wealthy and unbelievably hot spinster.

Stay tuned. The only thing I know for certain is... this story isn't over yet.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen wants Bradley back.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 11 April 2011

Just because America's favorite spinster Jennifer Aniston isn't actually seeing anyone and her most recent movie is now two months old and playing in just a handful of theaters is no reason she shouldn't be on the cover of a supermarket rag. In Touch tells us that she is pining for the charms of Bradley Cooper, the guy who just dumped Renee Zellweger.

While there is evidence the couple has met, including this telephoto lens shot form 2009, Cooper denied at the time that they were seeing each other.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen moving for a man.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 21 March 2011

Three different stories about Jennifer Aniston this week with next to nothing in common except the spelling of her name. OK! says she's going to have or get a baby, Star speculates that she's had work don on her face and In Touch goes with the tried and true story of her increasingly desperate love life. If we are to believe In Touch, she's moving from her palatial estate to be with some guy, because what self-respecting male would want to live in a place that is so... girly?!

The other obvious undercurrent is her continuing spinsterhood, which keeps her a favorite target of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Rich people are rich: Inside Jen's $15 million home.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 February 2011

Weekly Life & Style offers a tour of Jennifer Aniston's palatial home. Obviously this is a positive story about an actress in a movie currently in the theaters, so it deserves the "planted crap" label.

But the other three stories on the cover of WL&S this week are about younger female celebrities getting ready to be married or happily pregnant.

So this story also gets the "spinster alert" label. In this gossip era, there are others who get the spinster label, but Jennifer Aniston is the subject of at least half these types of stories.

Jen:I swear I'm happy.Really!

Publication: People
Date: 21 February 2011

People magazine devotes most of the cover this week promoting an exclusive interview with Jennifer Aniston. The subheadline reads:

• Over cocktails and girl talk, the world's most misunderstood star sets the record straight.
• "I'm happy. Really!"

It's the addition of that last "really" that totally convinces me.

To recap, she drinks but she's not a drunk. She talks about her exes, but she not obsessed about it. And it is TOTES unfair to portray her as a lonely spinster just because she's about to turn 42 years old childless and alone.

Got that?