Bun in the oven alert™?: Selena & Justin pregnancy rumors

Publication: OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

OK! prints a story about the rumors that Selena Gomez' recent hospital visit might have been due to pregnancy. I have not seen the official denials online yet.

Pippa Exclusive! "The truth about my love life."

Publication: OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

This Sunday, we get all the British gossip out of the way. OK!, the American version of a much more successful British gossip rag, continues with the idea that Americans can't get enough info about Kate Middleton's sister Pippa's love life.

Love Bird Alert™: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

Jennifer Aniston's love life is still an evergreen story in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and now that they all agree she has a new fella, expect her to get cover stories all throughout the summer. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen's romance heats up
• OK!: Jen & Justin engagement news
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen: "I am not a home wrecker!"
• Us Weekly: How Jen stole her man
  They're wearing matching rings and he's moved in - Jen's falling hard and fast for Justin Theroux. But did she pull an Angelina to find her new love?

A couple notes. People avoids the homewrecker angle on the cover. They use the phrase "heats up" a lot. A few months back, George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis were "heating up", and you can see how much that means.

OK!, the magazine that jumps the gun in nearly every situation, already has them engaged. The other two are just being mean.

I said that Jen's love life is a favorite story in the gossip rags and obviously it is, but it's also obvious that she is interesting because her life brushed up against Angelina Jolie, the Most Interesting Woman In The World as far as the gossip industry is concerned. Us Weekly reminds us of this obvious fact in the headline, mentioning Angie when she is nowhere near this story.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: More stories about Kim the Bridezilla.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories about bride to be Kim Kardashian this week. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $177,000 registry
• OK! Bigger than the Royals!
  Kim's $10 Million wedding
  The breathtaking gown, the stunning jewels and the surprise no one expected!
  "I've always dreamed of a big wedding"

Point of order. A $10 million wedding is a huge capital outlay, but no way in hell will it match what Wills'N'Kate did.

Just sayin'.

All this week's news about Kim Kardashian and the wedding.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 27 June 2011

Just in case you are new to this blog and don't understand the pecking order in the supermarket gossip world, here's the basic outline.

The Evil: American Media Inc. (AMI) owns the Enquirer, Star, Globe, National Examiner and Sun. The first four are nasty and the last one is just silly, predicting the end of the world at least four times a year.

The not so evil: The other five supermarket rags are somewhat less nasty. The absolute top of the table is People, and they set trends. The other four, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch and Us Weekly, are eating the scraps from the table that People leaves behind. There is not one single owner for all five of these magazines, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are published by the German consortium Bauer.

People broke the story of Kim Kardashian's engagement in an exclusive. They will likely not mention her again until she walks down the aisle. The other four are all over her large and shapely booty like white on rice. Here are the stories.

• In Touch: Kim & Kris Fight over the wedding
• OK!: Kim sets record straight
  "I did not cheat on Kris"
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding in crisis
  no date set
  invites on hold
• Us Weekly: Kim & Kris :Our love was tested

As often happens, the stories are pointing in multiple different directions. The only thing that can be relied on in a situation like this is that the story is far from over.

Love Bird Alert™ with a side order of hairdresser: Jen and Justin move forward!

Publications: National Enquirer, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

More stories about Jen and Justin. Us Weekly called them "Justifer" on their website. I pray to Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus that doesn't catch on. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Jen & Justin moving in!
• OK!: Jen & Justin: Moving too fast!
• National Enquirer: Jen discovers new boyfriend's gay secret
  

Do you notice a subtle difference in the editorial choices? I thought you might.

Katie Price invades America!

Publication: OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to American gossip hell, Katie Price! OK!, an American gossip rag that is really just a spin-off of a much more successful Brit gossip rag, tells us British "television personality" Katie Price is about to try to become famous in the United States.

This is an excellent idea, Ms. Price. The United States has a frightening dearth of aging, fake titted, no talent women trying to stay famous for being famous on our TV shows, so you will find the playing field wide open.

Oh, wait a tic... I just thought of someone who is a lot like you. Actually, I can think of several people who fit that general description.

Anyway, best of luck. Make sure to save money for the plane ticket home.

Mob Wives amazing makeovers.

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 June 2011

This is the third cover story for the reality show Mob Wives this year, but none of the women have been mentioned by name. OK! says they underwent amazing makeovers. I'll take their word for it.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Gossip-worthy brides get slim for their big days

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

It's every girl's special day. No, I don't mean the release on DVD of her sex tape, I'm talking about her wedding! And when walking down the aisle, much like on the sex tape, no young woman wants everyone thinking "Damn! She should lay off the cheeseburgers!"

So both Weekly Life & Style and OK! tell us about Kim Kardashian, this week's second biggest star in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter behind Bachelorette Ashley, doing her best to get in porn star shape for that special night when she and her new husband will do whatever they have been doing for the past several months now.

OK! also mentions Jessica Simpson getting trim for her trip down the aisle.

From pictures I've seen recently, she has more work to do than Kim K. does.

I'm cruel, but fair.

On the rocks alert: Bachelorette drama with Ashley and Bentley

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are already going into overdrive on the new season of The Bachelorette and the show has barely started. Ashley has fallen for Bentley, but he turns out to have no feelings for her and said nasty stuff about her. Here are the four headlines.

• People: Bachelorette Ashley fights back "I feel so betrayed"
  The reality star on being mocked by the men who were supposed to adore her - and cruelly used by the one she wanted most
• OK!: Ashley stabbed in the heart!
  Bentley humiliated Ashley in front of America, but she's still pursuing him
  Shocking new details
  
• In Touch: Bentley scandal - The next bachelor?
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Ashley takes Bradley back
  Secret reunion in Hong Kong
  Bentley broke her heart, but Ashley is desperate to be with him again. Is she crazy?
  

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Teen Mom Laci plans to elope.

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 June 2011

Another story from the Teen Mom locust swarm, this one saying Maci Bookout will elope.

This is the second most popular reality TV show among The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this year, with only Dancing With The Stars, currently between seasons, getting more weeks of exposure. The good news, if I can call it that, is that the show is mainly being followed by two magazines, OK! and In Touch. In the unlikely event of the editors at those two magazines losing interest in this crap, this plague might finally pass over.

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™ and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim's wedding and pregnancy news.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

After People's big scoop last week of announcing the official engagement of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, a passel of the non-AMI tabloids have jumped on the bandwagon this week. In fact, only Us Weekly declined to join in on the fun. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Kim's bridezilla demands
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $3 million summer wedding
• OK!: Kim's wedding surprise
  I'm having a baby!
  She reveals her big news to family and friends.
  An overjoyed Kim says, "I can't stop crying"

Kim has already denied the pregnancy rumor.

Note: The picture of Kim in the wedding dress is from last year when she was engaged to Reggie Bush. She was trying on her mom's old dress.

A new crop of Bachelorette nonsense has just been planted.

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! A new season of that awful dating show The Bachelorette has begun and OK! and In Touch start feeding us the dish, like it or not. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Bachelorette Ashley rejected!
• OK! Ashley's friends fear she's in danger

Note that OK! thinks this woman is already famous enough that she gets a first name and nothing else. I had to do some research to figure out who she was, but obviously I'm not the target market.

Getting the inevitable Teen Mom stuff out of the way.

Publication: OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The two worst offenders when it comes to cover stories about the awful young women on Teen Mom are OK! and In Touch. This week it's the former, with the headline "new feuds, babies and a bride" and pictures of Maci Bookout, Amber Portwood and Farrah Abraham.

It continues to be the plague that did not pass over.

She Fought The Law Alert™:As the trial starts, the gossip rags pay attention to the Casey Anthony trial.

Publications: People, National Enquirer, OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Before this week, all the news about Casey Anthony, the mom on trial for her life for allegedly killing her daughter, has been in the Enquirer and Globe. Now that the trial has started, both People and OK! get in the game and the Enquirer takes a new tack. Here are the headlines.

• People: Caylee Anthony murder case
  Secrets & Lies
  Mom's shocking defense
  Bombshell testimony, new claims of sexual abuse inside accused killer Casey Anthony's trial strategy
• OK!: Casey Anthony caught in a lie
• National Enquirer: Casey Anthony will walk free!
  Killer mom's plan to escape death row!

As usual, if everyone else is saying x, the Enquirer feels duty bound to say "NOT x!"

Call it a marketing strategy.

Or lying. Whatever.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™?:Brad hints at marriage.

Publications: People, OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Brad Pitt has said in a recent interview that the most famous couple in the gossip world might get married. Here's the headlines from this week's supermarket rags.

• People: Brad says, "We might marry"
• OK!: BrAngelina getting married

Do you notice the subtle difference? I thought you might.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: The winner on The Biggest Loser lost half her weight.

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Whoever the TV show The Biggest Loser has signed up as their publicist is doing a good job right now. This is the third gossip rag cover story on the stands in May after getting no mentions in the first four months of the year.

And congratulations to both Olivia and her sister Hannah for their remarkable weight loss success stories.

Love Bird Alert™: Rob and Kristen living like newlyweds.

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 June 2011

OK!, the nicest of the gossip rags if not the most reliable, wants us to know the real life romance of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is going along swimmingly.

If they break up some short while after the last of the Twilight movies becomes available on DVD, I for one will not be surprised.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Win a Paris Hilton inspired wardrobe!

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 June 2011

Yet another cover story without a picture attached shows up this week, this one dealing with some kind of sweepstakes where you can win a Paris Hilton inspired wardrobe. As far as I can recall, this is the first contest on the cover of a gossip rag that is NOT part of the AMI kennel.

For me, it's a blessing to have a story about Paris Hilton where I DON'T have to include a picture. I get little pleasure looking at this skinny, squinty bag of bones.

Bad dad alert: Khloe is stunned by Lamar's baby secret.

Publication: OK!

Date: 6 June 2011

There's one story each for the Kardashian sisters this week on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. OK! says that Lamar is hiding some baby secret and Khloe is stunned. On their website, it is revealed that Lamar already has kids and he hasn't been the perfect dad to them.