All this week's news about Kim Kardashian and the wedding.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 27 June 2011

Just in case you are new to this blog and don't understand the pecking order in the supermarket gossip world, here's the basic outline.

The Evil: American Media Inc. (AMI) owns the Enquirer, Star, Globe, National Examiner and Sun. The first four are nasty and the last one is just silly, predicting the end of the world at least four times a year.

The not so evil: The other five supermarket rags are somewhat less nasty. The absolute top of the table is People, and they set trends. The other four, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch and Us Weekly, are eating the scraps from the table that People leaves behind. There is not one single owner for all five of these magazines, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are published by the German consortium Bauer.

People broke the story of Kim Kardashian's engagement in an exclusive. They will likely not mention her again until she walks down the aisle. The other four are all over her large and shapely booty like white on rice. Here are the stories.

• In Touch: Kim & Kris Fight over the wedding
• OK!: Kim sets record straight
  "I did not cheat on Kris"
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding in crisis
  no date set
  invites on hold
• Us Weekly: Kim & Kris :Our love was tested

As often happens, the stories are pointing in multiple different directions. The only thing that can be relied on in a situation like this is that the story is far from over.

(Cash Register) Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Inside Kim's greedy pre-nup.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 20 June 2011

The gossip rags are taking a turn against Kim Kardashian this week. Besides positive stories about her getting trim for her wedding, everything else says she's a slut or a gold digger, maybe both. Us Weekly has the details of her greedy pre-nup.

Please! She's the daughter of a Hollywood lawyer. In L.A., "I get everything and you get nothing" is also known as the Standard Opening Negotiating Position.

Scoop of the week:People has an exclusive interview with Kim Kardashian and her new fiance Kris Humphries.

Publication: People
Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on... Wednesdays? Yes, People has the real deal on the cover, the exclusive story of how Kris Humphries proposed to Kim Kardashian. There have been plenty of stories in the supermarket rags before about the state of their romance, but the big difference between People and the rest of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter is that People doesn't publish idle speculation. (Planted crap, yes. Idle speculation, no.)

You should be able to read the headline in this cropped version of the cover this week. Back in April, Weekly Life & Style said he got her a 10 carat ring "just like Liz Taylor's". As you can see from this version, they were off by about a factor of two.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: A ring for Kim!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 25 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Weekly Life & Style says things are moving forward fast on the marriage front for Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. The sub-headline reads "Kim chooses a 10-carat cushion-cut engagement ring. She confirms to Life & Style, 'I've found my wedding dress', and she'll marry Kris this year!"

They add the detail that the ring is "just like Liz Taylor's!" This proves she's serious.

Or something.

On the rocks alert: Kim K. betrayed before the wedding!

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 April 2011

Welcome back to the Kim Kardashian story! Those of you paying close attention know that her only alleged boyfriend of the year so far is basketball player Kris Humphries. OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags if not the most reliable, had them moving in together, then planning the Wedding of the Century, both stories last month. No other magazines have gone nearly this far with the story.

So while OK! appears to be alone in inventing this fantasy, it also looks like they've decided to add some drama to it. The Wedding of the Century is off before anyone official ever said it was on! Here are the headlines.

• Kim's worst nightmare
• Kris' ex warns 'He won't go through with it'
• Kris picked out Kim's engagement ring, but she's shattered by a secret that could ruin everything

Will pretty little Kim ever find true happiness? Or is she destined to wander the world alone, that saddest of humankind, the fabulously wealthy and unbelievably hot spinster.

Stay tuned. The only thing I know for certain is... this story isn't over yet.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Kim and Kris heading down the aisle.

Publication: OK!
Date: 28 March 2011

News is slow on the Kardashian front this week, but OK!, the most optimistic gossip rag if not the most honest, pulls out all the stops and says Kim and her new beau Kris Humphries are not only getting hitched, it's going to be the Wedding of the Century.

Where to begin?

If I could add another label, I'd like to say this is the Name Dropping-est Story Of The Week, but Blogger label software only allows for 200 characters. Vera Wang, Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Wills'N'Kate are all named, though only Vera Wang (or at least one of her designs) has any chance of being within 1,000 miles of this shindig, if it ever takes place at all.


If there was unlimited room for labels, I'd also give this cover the prize for Most Blatantly Bad Photoshop of the Week for making it look like the two of them are about the same height give or take three inches. If that picture reflected reality, either Kim would have to have grown to 6'6" or Kris has suddenly shrunk to 5'6".

In reality, he's 6'9" and she's 5'3", which means an 18 inch height difference. If they really remain a couple, she is going to have to be on the lookout for elbows for the rest of her natural born days.

Love Bird Alert™: Kim moving in with Kris.

Publication: OK!
Date: 21 March 2011

Just one Kardashian story this week in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and this one says Kim's relationship with basketball player Kris Humphries is moving full steam ahead and they will be setting up housekeeping together.

I don't want to pour cold water on this happy little scene, but let's recall that Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift were allegedly house hunting just before everything blew up.

Love Bird Alert™: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, heading down the aisle?

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 February 2011

What did the gossip rags do before the invention of Kim Kardashian? Probably talked trash about people who actually make movies or music.

As we know, if little Kim K. is not romantically linked to a professional athlete, there is a definite disturbance in The Force. Her current beau is NBA star Kris Humphries, and as we can see in this shot of them together, he's a big guy and she's teeny tiny.

(Note to Kris: You are going out in public with Kim K. and you can't get even a little dolled up? She's putting in the effort, buddy. You should reciprocate.)

Two different magazines say it's really serious. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim and Kris: In love living together and planning the wedding
• Us Weekly: Kim K. in love: "I want his baby."

The quote has been verified elsewhere. The wedding planning has been denied.

Love Bird Alert™:Kim Kardashian wants Kris Humphries baby.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 February 2011

We've had several Kim Kardashian stories in the new year, but none about with whom she is hooking up.

I mean really. Nobody is hitting that? That's just wrong.

Welcome to the best (and shortest lasting) job in gossip hell, Kris Humprhies! Kris and Kim have made their love known on Twitter, which makes it about as official as you can get in 2011, and Kim has been quoted that if she has a kid, she wants the baby to look like Kris.

I looked for confirmation online and found it, But Kim's mom Kris Jenner says he hasn't met the family yet. There's another part of gossip hell that can't be anywhere near as fun as hooking up with Kim K.