Bells are Ringing Alert™: More stories about Kim the Bridezilla.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories about bride to be Kim Kardashian this week. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $177,000 registry
• OK! Bigger than the Royals!
  Kim's $10 Million wedding
  The breathtaking gown, the stunning jewels and the surprise no one expected!
  "I've always dreamed of a big wedding"

Point of order. A $10 million wedding is a huge capital outlay, but no way in hell will it match what Wills'N'Kate did.

Just sayin'.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kardashians ripped apart by off-camera scandals!

Publication: Star
Date: 4 July 2011

Kourtney and Khloe have been nearly forgotten by the supermarket rags for awhile, even before Kim announced her wedding and sucked all the air out of the room. But this week, Star puts all three on the cover with plenty of dish to go around. Here are the headlines.

• New sex tape
• Custody battle
• Secret pregnancy
• Plus: the truth about their plastic surgery

The custody battle would have to be Kourtney, since she's the only one who has a kid, but the other stories could be about any of the three. You'll have to buy the magazine yourself to find out, since I don't open them up on general principles.

All this week's news about Kim Kardashian and the wedding.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 27 June 2011

Just in case you are new to this blog and don't understand the pecking order in the supermarket gossip world, here's the basic outline.

The Evil: American Media Inc. (AMI) owns the Enquirer, Star, Globe, National Examiner and Sun. The first four are nasty and the last one is just silly, predicting the end of the world at least four times a year.

The not so evil: The other five supermarket rags are somewhat less nasty. The absolute top of the table is People, and they set trends. The other four, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch and Us Weekly, are eating the scraps from the table that People leaves behind. There is not one single owner for all five of these magazines, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are published by the German consortium Bauer.

People broke the story of Kim Kardashian's engagement in an exclusive. They will likely not mention her again until she walks down the aisle. The other four are all over her large and shapely booty like white on rice. Here are the stories.

• In Touch: Kim & Kris Fight over the wedding
• OK!: Kim sets record straight
  "I did not cheat on Kris"
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding in crisis
  no date set
  invites on hold
• Us Weekly: Kim & Kris :Our love was tested

As often happens, the stories are pointing in multiple different directions. The only thing that can be relied on in a situation like this is that the story is far from over.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Gossip-worthy brides get slim for their big days

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

It's every girl's special day. No, I don't mean the release on DVD of her sex tape, I'm talking about her wedding! And when walking down the aisle, much like on the sex tape, no young woman wants everyone thinking "Damn! She should lay off the cheeseburgers!"

So both Weekly Life & Style and OK! tell us about Kim Kardashian, this week's second biggest star in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter behind Bachelorette Ashley, doing her best to get in porn star shape for that special night when she and her new husband will do whatever they have been doing for the past several months now.

OK! also mentions Jessica Simpson getting trim for her trip down the aisle.

From pictures I've seen recently, she has more work to do than Kim K. does.

I'm cruel, but fair.

(Cash Register) Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Inside Kim's greedy pre-nup.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 20 June 2011

The gossip rags are taking a turn against Kim Kardashian this week. Besides positive stories about her getting trim for her wedding, everything else says she's a slut or a gold digger, maybe both. Us Weekly has the details of her greedy pre-nup.

Please! She's the daughter of a Hollywood lawyer. In L.A., "I get everything and you get nothing" is also known as the Standard Opening Negotiating Position.

On the rocks alert: Kim caught cheating!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 20 June 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Bret Lockett! The (alleged) NFL star plays defensive back for the New England Patriots and has a career total of 7 tackles and one force fumble, but now his claim to fame is having dirty pictures of Kim Kardashian.

Dude, like who doesn't? Here are the headlines.

• 5-month affair with NFL star Bret Lockett behind fiancee Kris' back
• kinky texts and wild phone sex
• He slams her wedding plans: "I hope she's happy"
  
  

Hold the phone sex and stop the wedding!

Kim denies it and is threatening a lawsuit.

Kim Kardashian Already Has Kids On Her Mind

Kim Kardashian's not holding back. She's engaged to her boyfriend of six months, flaunting a 20.5-carat engagement bauble, and now is already talking about babies!

Kim told Us about the prospect of having tykes with NBA fiance Kris Humphries: "I hope so, I really hope so. Maybe by the end of the year." 

But what about planning her inevitably extravagant wedding, coined by sister Khloe as the "Royal Wedding No.2?" Kim backtracked: "Well, I won't have [a baby] by the end of the year, but maybe we'll start trying by the end of the year. After the wedding," she clarified.

One last testament to Kim's dedication to becoming a solid wifey? She's going to change her last name to Humphries, which is a big statement for a star who's trademarked her name with a multi-million dollar empire. 

"Maybe I will make it Kim Kardashian-Humphries, but I think I will always have Kardashian for work. But at home, Humphries," she added. 

Sounds like Kim's being bombarded by questions about domestic decisions that she hasn't quite ironed out. Let the woman enjoy her $1 million ring!

Who Wore Gucci Better: Charlotte Casiraghi or Kim Kardashian?

Celebs just can't get enough of the latest Gucci collection! This week, Kim Kardashian opted to wear a color blocked ensemble previously worn by royalty. She's reality television royalty, which is practically the same thing, right?

Charlotte Casiraghi wore the salmon and purple dress and cropped blouse to an International Art Biennale dinner last week, pairing her look with metallic strappy sandals (also Gucci) and an elegant updo. The aristocratic fashion platechose to wear the matching gold belt with its tassels slung low.

On Wednesday, Kim Kardashian chose the exact same look for the UK launch of her signature fragrance. The piece looked strikingly different on Kim's curvy frame, in part because she wore it with gold tassels double-wrapped around her belt and a colorful pair of Gucci sandals 

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™ and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim's wedding and pregnancy news.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

After People's big scoop last week of announcing the official engagement of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, a passel of the non-AMI tabloids have jumped on the bandwagon this week. In fact, only Us Weekly declined to join in on the fun. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Kim's bridezilla demands
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $3 million summer wedding
• OK!: Kim's wedding surprise
  I'm having a baby!
  She reveals her big news to family and friends.
  An overjoyed Kim says, "I can't stop crying"

Kim has already denied the pregnancy rumor.

Note: The picture of Kim in the wedding dress is from last year when she was engaged to Reggie Bush. She was trying on her mom's old dress.

Kim Kardashian 'to make a windfall from her marriage' Kim Kardashian 'to make a windfall from her marriage'

Ever since Kim Kardashian has announced her engagement to Kris Humphries last week, predictions are revealing that her marriage is all set to make millions in revenue.
PopEater has revealed that TV executives are already planning a show around the wedding and possibly televising the ceremony, reports Contactmusic.
"Kris Humphries might not have known what he was getting into" an insider told the site.
The insider is also reported to have said that the wedding will happen in the public eye and thus the pair will make millions of it.
According to speculations, wedding photos only will sell at least 2 million dollars for domestic US rights and an additional 1 million dollars to be made in international rights.

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Giant Ring, Giant Man in Monaco

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries made their big public debut as an engaged couple last night at the AmberLounge Fashion Monaco event and the lovebirds certainly didn't disappoint. 

Kim was decked out in a sophisticated white dress (not of the wedding variety, don't worry), but we really couldn't concentrate on anything besides her big rock! Of course, Kim made sure the 20.5 carat diamond ring was visible in every single picture. 

Kris, her extremely tall basketball player fiance, looked quite happy as well in his gray suit and aviators. The two are in Monaco on vacation with Kris' family, and, naturally they found their way to the hippest parties and made sure the cameras followed.

Kim tweeted from the show: "Backstage at the Matthew Williamson fashion show! He is amaze! Prince Albert & Charlene here too! About 2 go on stage! I always get nervous" With that kind of bling on your finger, what's there to be nervous about, Kim?! 

Kim Kardashian Will Probably Make More on Her Wedding Than She'll Spend

There's no doubt that Kim Kardashian's wedding to Kris Humphries will be extravagant. The reality television personality is bound to pull out all the stops planning her upcoming nuptials: The bigger the rock, the bigger the party, and Kim's got 20 carats on her finger.

But the most famous Kardashian sister probably won't have to spend all that much on her wedding, seeing as it's the marketing opportunity of a lifetime. If momager Kris Kardashian has anything to do with it, Kim's wedding is going to be the television special of the year. Given Kim's history of public endorsements, it's safe to say she won't mind picking up some extra cash by accepting services from different bridal vendors for the show. What's more, Kim's close with so many big-name performers, she'll have no problem securing someone like Kanye West to perform at her reception.

Then, of course, there are the picture rights: Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom's wedding shots sold for $300,000, but Kim's pictures could snag around $2 million, according to PopEater. And once Kim's married, the possibilities for spin-off shows are endless. Get ready to see much more of the Kardashian Klan...

Scoop of the week:People has an exclusive interview with Kim Kardashian and her new fiance Kris Humphries.

Publication: People
Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on... Wednesdays? Yes, People has the real deal on the cover, the exclusive story of how Kris Humphries proposed to Kim Kardashian. There have been plenty of stories in the supermarket rags before about the state of their romance, but the big difference between People and the rest of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter is that People doesn't publish idle speculation. (Planted crap, yes. Idle speculation, no.)

You should be able to read the headline in this cropped version of the cover this week. Back in April, Weekly Life & Style said he got her a 10 carat ring "just like Liz Taylor's". As you can see from this version, they were off by about a factor of two.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Video of the Day: Kim Kardashian and Family Lip Sync in Bikinis

What does a reality TV family do on vacation in Mexico? Make a music video! Kim Kardashian and her entire fam -- including her beau Kris Humphries -- appear in the music video, which features lots of bikinis, close-ups of heavily lipsticked mouths, funny dancing, and totally terrible lip-syncing! 

Take a look at the Kardashians (and Jenners, Odoms, Disicks, and a Humphries) at their finest:

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™ and No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim's wedding and pregnancy drama.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 23 May 2011

The Star goes with the headline "Kim's wedding and pregnancy drama!"

Easy rule of thumb. Any time the word drama is used on a gossip rag cover, nothing is actually happening. She's not getting married any time soon and she's not pregnant.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Summer bikini diets.

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 May 2011

It's time to start dieting to get into those skimpy swimsuits, and what better incentive is there than a picture of Kim Kardashian? OK! does not use this particular picture of Kim in a two piece, but I never get tired of it, if you know what I mean.

Bad mom alert: Mom torments Kardashian sisters over their bodies.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 23 May 2011

In Touch calls out Kris Jenner as a nasty beeyotch ruining the lives of her daughters. Here are the details.

• Kourtney pressured to get Botox to erase crow's-feet
• Khloe delays baby plans for lip after Kris calls her 'fat'
• Kim agrees to a super-sized butt implant to stay famous

Doesn't being famous sound like super fun?

Kim Kardashian will "be the best mom"!

Publication: OK!
Date: 2 May 2011

OK! wants us to take it on faith that Kim Kardashian, currently headed towards spinsterhood, will be the best mom.

This might be the case until her child gets into about the fourth grade and comes home with the questions: "Mommy, what's a sex tape? What does 'skanky ho' mean?

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Bikini secrets of the stars!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 2 May 2011

You too can have the bikini secrets of the stars! Lose 12 pounds in 4 weeks!

Is Kim Kardashian actually a star?

Look at that picture. Why ask silly questions?

Bells are Ringing Alert™: A ring for Kim!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 25 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Weekly Life & Style says things are moving forward fast on the marriage front for Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. The sub-headline reads "Kim chooses a 10-carat cushion-cut engagement ring. She confirms to Life & Style, 'I've found my wedding dress', and she'll marry Kris this year!"

They add the detail that the ring is "just like Liz Taylor's!" This proves she's serious.

Or something.