Meanest Story nominee: Angelina's miscarriage drama!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

Last week, the Enquirer won the Meanest Story of the Week vote hands down writing that Angelina was anorexic, weighed 99 pounds and was hooked on heroin. This week, they go with a story that may be even worse about the favorite topic of the gossip rags, that she had a miscarriage. Here are the headlines.

• The secret they're hiding
• Brad finds her on the floor covered in blood
• She begs him: "Save our baby!"
• Pregnancy dream shattered as weight continues to drop
  

Because of the gruesome details, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton can't have a baby! Again.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 30 May 2011

Often, when a story is a repeat of something some gossip rag has already said, I don't make it a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, but this one is an exception for two reasons. The last time this rumor was reported, it won as Meanest Story of the Week, and more notably, the story has migrated from the AMI kennel to the gossip rags that are generally nicer and at least a little more reliable. Here are the headlines.

• Will & Kate's baby heartbreak
• Royal doctor confirms: She can't get pregnant
• The devastating news rocks their marriage
• plus: why they can't adopt

Best wishes to the happy couple. I'm not much for predictions, but I predict that by the end of 2012 at the latest, this story will have been proven false.

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™ and No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim's wedding and pregnancy drama.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 23 May 2011

The Star goes with the headline "Kim's wedding and pregnancy drama!"

Easy rule of thumb. Any time the word drama is used on a gossip rag cover, nothing is actually happening. She's not getting married any time soon and she's not pregnant.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Angelina talks adoption.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 23 May 2011

Angelina Jolie maintains her position as The True Queen Of All Gossip and Defender Of The Faith, or some such thing. She actually doesn't talk to the magazines much, but Weekly Life & Style says they have her talking about adoption, a subject she should know a thing or two about by now.

Non scoop of the week! Katie Holmes is pregnant with her second child.

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! OK!, easily the nicest but hardly the most reliable of the gossip rags, goes big with the story that Katie Holmes is pregnant. Here are the headlines.

• Katie: It's official!
• "Yes, I'm pregnant!"
• A telltale bump, prenatal vitamins - now she tells friends:
• Suri will finally be a big sister

Representatives for Ms. Holmes have already denied the story. This is the fifth story of her being pregnant in the last year and a half.

Note that Star magazine lied about Katie Holmes, she sued them and they settled out of court for a loss, having to apologize and pay. The important difference between that lie and this lie is that Star implied Katie was a drug addict, and drug addicts find it hard to get work. OK! is lying about a pregnancy, and having kids is not a barrier to employment, so I don't expect the lawyers to give OK! a call, even though they got this one wrong.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton can't have a baby!

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 May 2011

As should be expected, this blog is getting a lot of visits right now from people interested in today's royal wedding. Besides this being the happiest day of her life, Kate Middleton is also entered in competition for Meanest Story of the Week.

The tabloids have already floated the rumor that she is getting married pregnant, which is really unlikely if you've seen any recent pictures of her. Now, the Globe is going with a story that she can't get pregnant and calling it a "royal shocker"!

If it was true, this would be much worse news than her going down the aisle to marry a future king with a future king inside her. But this is the Globe, so wondering about the validity of the story is a really big IF.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bun In The Oven Alert™ and No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Yet more drama about the ovaries of the rich and famous.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 April 2011

The headline reads BABY DRAMA! and it tells three very different stories.

1. Khloe: heartbroken over not getting pregnant

If you are going to have a multiple baby drama story on the cover of a supermarket rag, it's nearly required one of the stories will be about a Kardashian.

2. Britney: Baby #3 on the way

This story has been denied.

3. Kim Zolciak: Attacked by NeNe, "I fear for my baby"

From what I hear from commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive, NeNe is pretty damned scary.

Three month review for Spring 2011, part two: Birth predictions.

Unlike death predictions, saying some woman is pregnant has no promise that it must come true eventually. Let's look at the pregnancy rumors in the supermarket rags from six to nine months ago, July through September 2011, all of which should be verifiable by now.

The actually pregnant: Kelly Preston and Christina Applegate have already given birth. Mariah Carey has confirmed she is expecting twins soon. Even though the Three Wicked Step Sisters made all kinds of wild claims about Preston's pregnancy, let's count this as three correct.

The not pregnant: Kim Kardashian, Chelsea Clinton, Katie Holmes, Carrie Underwood, Ellen DeGeneres, Kourtney Kardashian, Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie. Let's stipulate that Ellen's pregnancy was a silly story from a psychic and Katie has been called pregnant when she played a pregnant Jackie Kennedy in a mini-series, but when the tally is taken, it's three right and eight wrong for a .273 batting average. If this were hitting a major league baseball, that wouldn't be so bad, but this is about journalism, when you are really expected to bat 1.000 or have a damn good reason why not.

Tomorrow: popularity and the naughty vs. nice tally.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin's worst nightmare... Todd's love child!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 11 April 2011

Last January, the Enquirer went with a story from an Alaskan massage therapist that she slept with Todd Palin. The story failed to gain much traction, but the Enquirer is nothing if not persistent. They now says that Sarah Plain's worst nightmare would be Todd fathering a child out of wedlock.

The headline is kind of vague and they don't promise pictures of the alleged child or mom, so I expect the story is just more Enquirer bullshit. This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bun In The Oven Alert™? :Jen's big baby news confirmed!

Publication: OK!
Date: 21 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If there was a contest for the most gossip-worthy organs in Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston's ovaries would likely be in first place, even more worthy of speculation than Charlie Sheen's liver or brain. The sub-headlines read:

• A Baby on my own!
• "It's a done deal!"
  
• Jen shocks friends on her European tour by revealing she's finally going to be a mom

Of course, it might not be her ovaries. She could be Pulling a Bullock and adopting, which was the story in late January when Star plastered her picture all over the cover.

You can pick up OK! yourself to find out if she's preggers or adopting, but it really doesn't matter. The story in January was denied and this one is being denied as well.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Paris Hilton is ready for a baby.

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 March 2011

It's easy to think of Paris Hilton as the top gossip girl, but she's really yesterday's news as far as The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are concerned. It's not that she's too old, it's that she isn't on TV. She has had less cover stories than Nicole Richie has had since the beginning of 2010, 10 to 8, and both of them pale in comparison to any random Kardashian family member.

When I say she's not too old, she's turning 30, exactly the same age as Kim K., and like Kim K., she says she's ready for a baby. Paris may have a regular boyfriend, I don't even know. It hasn't been in the gossip rags, so I haven't been paying attention.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Khloe talks about "Our baby struggle"

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 7 March 2011

Us Weekly has a story about Khloe Kardashian and "our baby struggle", which means hubby Lamar Odom is tangentially involved, though he is not pictured on the cover.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim K. denies pregnancy rumors

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 March 2011

OK! is not the most reliable supermarket checkout rag by a long shot, but when they say that Kim Kardashian is denying she's pregnant, I am inclined to believe both her and OK!

Okay?

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Hank and Kendra having a baby

Publication: OK!
Date: 21 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! But whenever it's about Kendra Wilkinson, it seems a little stale.

She's always supposed to be an inch away from dumping her husband Hank Baskett, but OK! tells us they are actually ever so happy and going to have baby #2. Their love is stronger than ever, little Hank Jr. will be the best big brother ever, and there are private photos of them inside the magazine, though I think Kendra has a serious difficulty defining the word "private", and not just because she's stone stupid.

And as is often the case with OK!, the story is just made up garbage. She is not actually pregnant, and God only knows if she really wants to be again and if she does feel that way, how she will feel tomorrow.

Bun In The Oven Alert™?:Carrie Underwood two months pregnant

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 7 February 2011

Star is having a really bad week. Their big story is that Jennifer Aniston is adopting a Mexican baby, a story that has already been denied. They also have a story that Carrie Underwood is going to have a baby the old fashioned way and is already two months in the family way. The representatives of Ms. Underwood and her husband Mike Fisher are denying this as well.

Of course, if Ms. Underwood does deliver a little bundle of joy this summer, I'll come back and get rid of the "Star fail" label on this post. In general, I believe the denials of publicity hacks before I believe the claims of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Jessica Simpson is pregnant!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 December 2010

Weekly Life & Style uses most of the cover this week to tell us "exclusively" that Jessica Simpson is pregnant. Among the details:

• Morning sickness and cravings
• Inside family's joyous celebration
• Rushing to get married

This story is "exclusive" if we only count the supermarket rags, but Perez Hilton has been pushing this story online for some time now.

GossipCop says it's crap. If you have to choose between GossipCop, Perez Hilton and Weekly Life & Style, trust GossipCop.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™:All the details on Kendra's second baby

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 6 December 2010

Here are the details.

She isn't pregnant right now. She's thinking about it.

I just read the covers of the supermarket rags, I don't actually buy them, in more ways than one. I'm amazed they have decided the audience keeps wanting to hear about this bimbo. She's just not that interesting.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™:J. Lo Baby News

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 December 2010

In Touch wants us to know about Jennifer Lopez's baby news!

Here's a quick tip. If a headline on a supermarket rag reads "baby news", you can be pretty sure the news is "no baby, but she's like one, maybe soon". According to online sources, that is the current situation with J. Lo.

Bun In The Oven Alert™?:Kendra, the truth about pregnancy

Publication: OK!
Date: 29 November 2010

If you wanted to hate a gossip magazine, and your criterion was that they were mean all the time, your best choices are the Three Wicked Step Sisters, the Enquirer, the Globe and the low rent Examiner. If you want to hate a magazine because they are unreliable, I would recommend OK! They run a lot of positive stories, but a lot of their headlines aren't even close to true.

This week, they promise the truth about Kendra's pregnancy. The truth is she isn't currently pregnant. This headline is merely misleading. OK! also has a flat out lie on the cover this week I'll put on the blog tomorrow.