Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton anorexia shocker!

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

The idea that Kate Middleton is way too skinny is not new to the gossip rags. The Globe reported that she weighed 105 lbs. last summer. I don't know how much she weighs, but she is 5'10" (1m78) and she always looks very trim. I've never seen pictures of her where her legs or arms look like spindles or her skin shows every rib, the way Callista Flockhart or Teri Hatcher have looked from time to time.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Even more stuff about Pippa Middleton.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 23 May 2011

While I didn't watch the Royal Wedding, it's obvious that Pippa Middleton made quite an impression on the public, and The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are giving her the "Who's the NEW girl?" treatment. Here are the headlines.

• People: All About Pippa!
  Princess Kate's stunning sister
  Fun, flirty and famous, the knockout sibling who stole the show
• Us Weekly: Kate & Pippa Family secrets
• How their mom groomed Kate to be a princess
• All about Pippa!
• Her love life, her posh party circle and how she got that body
  

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton can't have a baby!

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 May 2011

As should be expected, this blog is getting a lot of visits right now from people interested in today's royal wedding. Besides this being the happiest day of her life, Kate Middleton is also entered in competition for Meanest Story of the Week.

The tabloids have already floated the rumor that she is getting married pregnant, which is really unlikely if you've seen any recent pictures of her. Now, the Globe is going with a story that she can't get pregnant and calling it a "royal shocker"!

If it was true, this would be much worse news than her going down the aisle to marry a future king with a future king inside her. But this is the Globe, so wondering about the validity of the story is a really big IF.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Stories specifically about Kate Middleton on the day before her wedding.

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly, Star
Date: 9 May 2011

The supermarket rags are full of stories about the Royal Wedding, with many of them focusing on the bride, naturally. Here are those headlines.

• Star: Kate's the boss!
• In Touch: Princess Kate: Wedding dress drama
• Us Weekly: Kate's big day. How she got ready.

There is yet another Kate-centric headline, but it will be included in tomorrow's Meanest Story of the Week line-up.

You So Crazy Alert™: The weirdos on Kate Middleton's side of the aisle.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 2 May 2011

It was Teddy Roosevelt's daughter Alice who got the credit for the quote "If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

She would have loved the National Enquirer.

This week, the Flagship pulled out all the stops and dug up every bit of dirt they could find on the Middleton family. On the cover, they mention a drug addict, a stripper and a cross dresser, and they promise more dirt inside.

Personally, when it comes to the goofy, I think the Windsor family has got them beat.

Rich people are rich:Kate Middleton's $1,000,000 gift from the queen.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 2 May 2011

Nearly forgotten in all the royal wedding gossip is old Liz Windsor, the actual head of the British monarchy. Earlier this year, the low rent Examiner said she would make William king as soon as he married, but that's not how these people roll. Why have only one lavish pointless ceremony when you can have two instead?

In Touch says QE II bought Kate a one million dollar gift.

What she couldn't afford one million pounds?

The old tightwad.

Meanest Story nominee: Camilla calls her future step-daughter in law "Kate Simpleton".

Publication: Star
Date: 11 April 2011

Once again, the supermarket rags want us to believe that the remarkably ugly Camilla Parker-Bowles is even uglier deep down where it really counts, and I for one believe them. According to the Star, her nickname for her future step-daughter in law and future Queen of England is Kate Simpleton.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week:All about the girl who would be queen

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! There's been an editorial shift over at the low rent Examiner. While the Globe is convinced people standing in American supermarket checkout lines want to hear everything they can that's bad about the marriage of Wills'N'Kate, the low rent Examiner has decided to go with generally nice stories about the young royals. Here are the sub-headlines that would not look out of place on the cover of OK!, the nicest of the rags.

• Mom played matchmaker
• What you don't know about Kate
• secret "princess classes"

We are still about a week away from the next three month review, but when it comes to the horse race for what gossip rag is the meanest, the low rent Examiner is falling way behind the other Wicked Step Sisters, the Globe and Enquirer.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Kate Middleton in a bikini.

Publication: People
Date: 28 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Here in the States, Kate Middleton's celebrity status is still relatively new, but in the U.K., she's been tabloid fodder for many years. This week, several gossip sources have been publishing telephoto lens pictures of her from 2006 wearing a white bikini on a boat while on vacation in Spain.

The general reaction is "Damn, she's foine!"

People puts one of the pictures on the cover with the headline:

• Kate Middleton in a bikini: How she got that body.

In the immortal words of the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band in the song Hello, Mabel!: "Hmmm. that's nice."

Demon Rum Alert™:Kate drunk in public

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 December 2010

Here's a stunner. A gossip rag that is not part of the AMI kennel is printing bad stuff about Kate Middleton from the point of view of The Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings. The gist of the story is that the Middleton family had a gay old time back in 2009 and Kate's brother was obviously plastered in public. According to Weekly Life & Style, the old-fashioned queen is embarrassed by Kate and her partying family and they wonder if the wedding will be canceled.

If I may editorialize for a moment (and of course I may, it's my damn blog), the Palace and the Queen who lives there can both bite me. The Queen is worried about being embarrassed? I've got two words for you, hon. Princess Margaret. Is your memory fading? How about Prince Harry? Is your memory good enough to remember the stunts he's pulled?

Liz honey, you gave birth to a homely boy and the way you raised him messed him up royally. His wife wasn't perfect, but she understood the late 20th Century publicity game much better than anyone at the Palace does AND she raised some kids who actually can interact with people. At least with William, your dodgy bloodline has an attractive young man who knows how to smile in public marrying an attractive young woman who knows how to smile in public.

Count your blessings.

Inside Kate's new life

Publication: Us Weekly, Star
Date: 20 December 2010

"And she married the handsome prince and they lived happily ever after."

Okay, where's the drama in that?

Several stories about the new favorite gossip Kate this week, all of them ignoring Prince William and focusing on the not very glamorous side of becoming part of the royal family. The sub-headlines on the cover of Us are:

• Struggles to stay normal
• Losing her freedom
• Torn from her family

The Star goes simpler. "Kate fights pushy royals."

I think Wills'N'Kate really do fancy one another, but there is a lesson here for actual gold diggers. Marrying for money is a full time job.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:Kate's wedding dress

Publication: OK!
Date: 13 December 2010
(dress design by Elizabeth Emanuel)

OK! tells us they are The Official Magazine Of The Royal Wedding, and while I have a hard time believing that, I can believe we will see a steady stream of stories from them over the next few months. I wouldn't be surprised to see Wills'N'Kate surpass BrAngelina in terms of number of stories in 2011, or at least the beginning of the year.

OK! tells us they know about the wedding dress already. This has been a topic of much speculation in the press, and the picture above was nicked from the Daily Mail in the U.K., who asked Elizabeth Emanuel, the designer of Diana's dress, what she would do if she was tasked with the job. For those of you trying to remember, this looks nothing like Diana's dress.

The making of a princess

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 6 December 2010

If you ever thought to yourself, "I'd like to see so much stuff about Kate Middleton that I actually get a little sick of her", this is your lucky week! There are a few stories about Wills and some about them together as a couple, but the American gossip press figures that most Americans are only dimly aware of her and are trying to remedy that as quickly as possible.

Among the details on the cover of Us are:

• Gowns, jewels and ladies in waiting
• Strict new rules
• How Kate's life has changed forever
• What she's learned from Diana

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are definitely going to be reminding us of Diana Spencer as often as they can over the next few months.

Rich people are rich:Kate Middleton's $1,000,000 makeover.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 December 2010

As you might guess, Wills and Kate are getting a lot of stories in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, with many of them focusing on Kate Middleton, the young woman not yet saturated into American brains but soon will be.

In Touch tells us she is going to get a million dollar makeover. The Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings, may think she doesn't dress properly, but in most of the pictures I've seen of her, her fashion sense is already pretty good.

And, of course, she's purdy.

They also say she will be going through princess boot camp.



The idea of R. Lee Ermey saying "You call yourself a princess, princess? YOU MAKE ME SICK! Now drop and give me twenty." makes me smile.

There's something seriously wrong with me.