On the rocks alert: The end of the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2011

In American gossip, the Queen Bitch is Angelina Jolie. In Brit gossip, it's Camilla Parker-Bowles. She is always scheming or collapsing over some setback or saying something nasty about someone. Here in the States, almost all these stories are in the Globe or the low rent Examiner.

For the third time in a year and a half, we have a story that Charles and Camilla have already divorced. Here are the details this time.

• Camilla & Charles It's Over!
• The final bust-up
• Their $300 million divorce
• Fighting in public June 11, 2011

A year ago, the settlement was $250 million, so obviously it's been a profitable year for the royals.

All this week's news about Angelina Jolie.

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 27 June 2011

Angelina Jolie is the center of the American gossip solar system and everything revolves around her. This was true long before I started this blog a year and a half ago. While Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock have appeared on more covers than BrAngelina, there are also the solo stories about Angie. If I split every story about the couple into a story about each, instead of BrAngelina being in third place and Angie being in tenth, she would be first and he would be second.

Heck, the gossip rags wouldn't care as much about Jennifer Aniston if she wasn't the modern day equivalent of Debbie Reynolds to Angie's Elizabeth Taylor.

While Brad gets mentioned in passing in one of this week's stories, the focus is on Angelina. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Angelina's $500,000 birthday gift
• Star: Angelina's secrets & lies
  tell-all book banned!
  Her secret trial separation from Brad
  Cheating - other men, other women
  Held hostage with a gun to her head
  11 Never-before-seen family photos
  Teen guitar hero
  First wedding
  
  

All this week's news about Wills'N'Kate

Publications: Globe, People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

The Royal Couple are still a hot topic in the gossip rags, and they will probably stay that way as long as Kate is pretty, which could be quite a while. Here are the positive headlines.

People: The Princess Diaries
In her new role as duchess and wife, Kate dazzles the world with her real-girl glamour. Plus the couple pick a palace.

Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate: Inside their palace

But since every punch bowl is just another urinal to the dogs in the AMI kennel, here's the Globe's take on the situation.

Globe: As pressure mounts for Royal baby…
William's wife snaps!
Kate: "Now I know how Diana felt"
Secret letters hide shocking torment

Rich people are rich: Inside Sandra's $23 million mansion.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 June 2011

Sandra Bullock, like BrAngelina or Jennifer Aniston, doesn't actually have to do anything newsworthy or ever gossip-worthy to get on the cover of a magazine. This week, Weekly Life & Style gives us a tour of her very expensive house.

I imagine it's nice.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Jessica Simpson's $1 million wedding.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 30 May 2011

In Touch lets us know that Jessica Simpson is planning to have a wedding that will cost $1,000,000. That sounds like a lot, but her clothing line has been generating $1 billion in sales a year and her net worth is in the $100 million range, so this little shindig will not be putting her in the poorhouse.

Rich people are rich: Kardashian vacation album.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 16 May 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week...right now!

Because this was a slow week for the gossip rags with the low rent Examiner gone missing and a lot of mags covering the same stories, most especially the royal wedding, it meant very little news for reality TV. Us Weekly has a picture of an unidentified Kardashian sister in a yellow bikini, but her figure looks thinner than Kim, Kourtney or Khloe, so it may be one of the younger sisters, Kylie or Kendall Jenner.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? Tony Curtis cuts kids out of $60 million will.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2 May 2011

For the Globe and low rent Examiner, someone being dead is no reason they can't appear on the cover of a gossip rag. As often happens with the two Wicked Step Sisters who love the Hey Old Timer gossip, we get a story about a dispute over the will. In the case of Tony Curtis, this dispute becomes a cover story seven months after his death.

The lawyers must be piling up the billable hours big time.

Bun In The Oven Alert™: Mariah Carey's baby joy.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 2 May 2011

Does is seem to you like Mariah Carey has been pregnant forever? The first rumors of her being pregnant started thirteen months ago and it's been seven months since she announced on The Today Show she would be have a baby in the spring. In any case, this is the eighth cover story about Mariah this year, all but one about the pregnancy. This one promise exclusive pictures of the lavish nursery as well.

Best wishes to all involved.

Rich people are rich:Kate Middleton's $1,000,000 gift from the queen.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 2 May 2011

Nearly forgotten in all the royal wedding gossip is old Liz Windsor, the actual head of the British monarchy. Earlier this year, the low rent Examiner said she would make William king as soon as he married, but that's not how these people roll. Why have only one lavish pointless ceremony when you can have two instead?

In Touch says QE II bought Kate a one million dollar gift.

What she couldn't afford one million pounds?

The old tightwad.

Rich people are rich: Suri's $5 million birthday gift!

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 April 2011

Suri Cruise is the most popular target under ten years old for the supermarket rags, just barely edging out Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.

The general impression the public gets from the stories about Shiloh is simple. She's a spoiled brat.

Rich people are rich: Inside Sarah Jessica Parker's $19 million home.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 25 April 2011

Sarah Jessica Parker does not have a movie coming out soon, but Weekly Life & Style thinks we are interested in her $19 million home.

There might be someone interested, but it's not me personally.

Rich people are rich: How Kourtney and Scott blew millions

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 March 2011

Kourtney Kardashian is not as popular a target of the tabloids as her sister Kim, but right now she is in the top ten most popular celebrities of 2011, and so popular that her useless leech of a boyfriend is still in the top ten overall.

In Touch wants us to know how they have wasted millions. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say if they have paid any money for orthodontics for Scott, that is wasted money because the cat NEVER smiles as far as I can tell.

Rich people are rich: Inside Jen's $15 million home.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 February 2011

Weekly Life & Style offers a tour of Jennifer Aniston's palatial home. Obviously this is a positive story about an actress in a movie currently in the theaters, so it deserves the "planted crap" label.

But the other three stories on the cover of WL&S this week are about younger female celebrities getting ready to be married or happily pregnant.

So this story also gets the "spinster alert" label. In this gossip era, there are others who get the spinster label, but Jennifer Aniston is the subject of at least half these types of stories.

Rich people are rich:Suri's $1,000 shoe spree

Publication: Star
Date: 24 January 2011

A pattern is emerging for stories about Suri Cruise, and that pattern is she's a spoiled brat. This one is in the Star, the most independent jackal in the AMI kennel, detailing a shopping trip where she was bought $1,000 of shoes. The stories about her pampered lifestyle have been published in several other magazines not owned by the nastiest conglomerate.

Blown Fortune Alert™:Kate Gosselin's money mess

Publication: In Touch
Date: 13 December 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Last trash of the week... right now!

Compared to scripted TV, reality TV is cheap to make. This doesn't mean there isn't any money in it, as Sarah Palin can tell you. The most recent story of a reality TV star who could keep track of the pennies and dimes is Kate Gosselin. The sub-headline on the In Touch story is "how they blew millions", so I assume the story includes Jon, though as is standard this year, the picture is of Kate alone.

The making of a princess

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 6 December 2010

If you ever thought to yourself, "I'd like to see so much stuff about Kate Middleton that I actually get a little sick of her", this is your lucky week! There are a few stories about Wills and some about them together as a couple, but the American gossip press figures that most Americans are only dimly aware of her and are trying to remedy that as quickly as possible.

Among the details on the cover of Us are:

• Gowns, jewels and ladies in waiting
• Strict new rules
• How Kate's life has changed forever
• What she's learned from Diana

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are definitely going to be reminding us of Diana Spencer as often as they can over the next few months.

Rich people are rich:Kate Middleton's $1,000,000 makeover.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 December 2010

As you might guess, Wills and Kate are getting a lot of stories in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, with many of them focusing on Kate Middleton, the young woman not yet saturated into American brains but soon will be.

In Touch tells us she is going to get a million dollar makeover. The Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings, may think she doesn't dress properly, but in most of the pictures I've seen of her, her fashion sense is already pretty good.

And, of course, she's purdy.

They also say she will be going through princess boot camp.



The idea of R. Lee Ermey saying "You call yourself a princess, princess? YOU MAKE ME SICK! Now drop and give me twenty." makes me smile.

There's something seriously wrong with me.

Rich people are rich alert:Touring Barbra Streisand's home

Publication: People
Date: 29 November 2010

Barbra Striesand gives People a tour of her home. I'm sure it's nice. I like the puppy already.

Barbra has a supporting role in Little Fockers, a sequel to a movie I didn't see, which will be released just before Christmas. It seems a little early for Planted Crap, but who am I to tell these people their business. As you might have already realized, no one is clamoring for a tour of Matty Boy's palatial estate.