All the Bachelorette stuff for 4 July.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 4 July 2011

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter love the Bachelor franchise, and this season's big drama is about Ashley and Bentley. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Ashley's mistake Having Sex With Bentley
• Us Weekly: Bentley's cruel return
• Weekly Life & Style: Ashley tortured for her looks
  After being called 'ugly' and 'flat'. Ashley opens up about her insecurities and how her fiance made her feel sexy again
  (Bachelorette exclusive)
  plus: How she lost 10 lbs. for the wedding

As you can see, in Touch and Us Weekly just did drive-by reporting, while Weekly Life & Style devoted most of the cover to this.

Love Bird Alert™: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

Jennifer Aniston's love life is still an evergreen story in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and now that they all agree she has a new fella, expect her to get cover stories all throughout the summer. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen's romance heats up
• OK!: Jen & Justin engagement news
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen: "I am not a home wrecker!"
• Us Weekly: How Jen stole her man
  They're wearing matching rings and he's moved in - Jen's falling hard and fast for Justin Theroux. But did she pull an Angelina to find her new love?

A couple notes. People avoids the homewrecker angle on the cover. They use the phrase "heats up" a lot. A few months back, George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis were "heating up", and you can see how much that means.

OK!, the magazine that jumps the gun in nearly every situation, already has them engaged. The other two are just being mean.

I said that Jen's love life is a favorite story in the gossip rags and obviously it is, but it's also obvious that she is interesting because her life brushed up against Angelina Jolie, the Most Interesting Woman In The World as far as the gossip industry is concerned. Us Weekly reminds us of this obvious fact in the headline, mentioning Angie when she is nowhere near this story.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: More stories about Kim the Bridezilla.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories about bride to be Kim Kardashian this week. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $177,000 registry
• OK! Bigger than the Royals!
  Kim's $10 Million wedding
  The breathtaking gown, the stunning jewels and the surprise no one expected!
  "I've always dreamed of a big wedding"

Point of order. A $10 million wedding is a huge capital outlay, but no way in hell will it match what Wills'N'Kate did.

Just sayin'.

All this week's news about Kim Kardashian and the wedding.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 27 June 2011

Just in case you are new to this blog and don't understand the pecking order in the supermarket gossip world, here's the basic outline.

The Evil: American Media Inc. (AMI) owns the Enquirer, Star, Globe, National Examiner and Sun. The first four are nasty and the last one is just silly, predicting the end of the world at least four times a year.

The not so evil: The other five supermarket rags are somewhat less nasty. The absolute top of the table is People, and they set trends. The other four, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch and Us Weekly, are eating the scraps from the table that People leaves behind. There is not one single owner for all five of these magazines, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are published by the German consortium Bauer.

People broke the story of Kim Kardashian's engagement in an exclusive. They will likely not mention her again until she walks down the aisle. The other four are all over her large and shapely booty like white on rice. Here are the stories.

• In Touch: Kim & Kris Fight over the wedding
• OK!: Kim sets record straight
  "I did not cheat on Kris"
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding in crisis
  no date set
  invites on hold
• Us Weekly: Kim & Kris :Our love was tested

As often happens, the stories are pointing in multiple different directions. The only thing that can be relied on in a situation like this is that the story is far from over.

All this week's news about Pippa Middleton

Publications: Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

I thought Pippa Middleton was going to be a flash in the pan, especially here in the United States after the wedding was over, but the editors of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have other ideas. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Harry & Pippa! Their love secrets
  As rumors swirl of a secret date between Harry & Pippa, she leaves her boyfriend and steps out with secret royal
• Weekly Life & Style: Pippa upgrades to a millionaire
• In Touch: Pippa & Harry Secret Date!

According to British sources, she hasn't left her longtime boyfriend Alex Loudon, a guy who hasn't made it to the covers of the American gossip rags yet.

All this week's news about Wills'N'Kate

Publications: Globe, People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

The Royal Couple are still a hot topic in the gossip rags, and they will probably stay that way as long as Kate is pretty, which could be quite a while. Here are the positive headlines.

People: The Princess Diaries
In her new role as duchess and wife, Kate dazzles the world with her real-girl glamour. Plus the couple pick a palace.

Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate: Inside their palace

But since every punch bowl is just another urinal to the dogs in the AMI kennel, here's the Globe's take on the situation.

Globe: As pressure mounts for Royal baby…
William's wife snaps!
Kate: "Now I know how Diana felt"
Secret letters hide shocking torment

Least interesting cover story of the week: The film Hunger Games will be juicier than the book!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

The Hunger Games is the new hit trilogy in young adult sci-fi, so some bright filmmaker is hoping it will turn into a hit like the young adult fantasy books Harry Potter and Twilight. Weekly Life & Style tells us it will be juicier on film, but supplies no juicy picture.

Just more planted crap AND planted crap without a photo to accompany it, the worst kind.

Love Bird Alert™: Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis: It's on!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

Who is Justin Timberlake shagging this week? If we accept this story in Weekly Life & Style and their public groping at the MTV Movie Awards last week, he's shagging Mila Kunis.

Of course, they have a movie called Friends With Benefits coming out next month, so this all could just be Planted Crap.

Bundles of Joy Alert: A girl for Pink, a boy for Kim Z.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

Just in case you missed it, Weekly Life & Style wants you to know that Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives fame has given birth to a baby boy.

And the entertainer Pink has given birth to a baby girl.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Gossip-worthy brides get slim for their big days

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

It's every girl's special day. No, I don't mean the release on DVD of her sex tape, I'm talking about her wedding! And when walking down the aisle, much like on the sex tape, no young woman wants everyone thinking "Damn! She should lay off the cheeseburgers!"

So both Weekly Life & Style and OK! tell us about Kim Kardashian, this week's second biggest star in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter behind Bachelorette Ashley, doing her best to get in porn star shape for that special night when she and her new husband will do whatever they have been doing for the past several months now.

OK! also mentions Jessica Simpson getting trim for her trip down the aisle.

From pictures I've seen recently, she has more work to do than Kim K. does.

I'm cruel, but fair.

On the rocks alert: Bachelorette drama with Ashley and Bentley

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are already going into overdrive on the new season of The Bachelorette and the show has barely started. Ashley has fallen for Bentley, but he turns out to have no feelings for her and said nasty stuff about her. Here are the four headlines.

• People: Bachelorette Ashley fights back "I feel so betrayed"
  The reality star on being mocked by the men who were supposed to adore her - and cruelly used by the one she wanted most
• OK!: Ashley stabbed in the heart!
  Bentley humiliated Ashley in front of America, but she's still pursuing him
  Shocking new details
  
• In Touch: Bentley scandal - The next bachelor?
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Ashley takes Bradley back
  Secret reunion in Hong Kong
  Bentley broke her heart, but Ashley is desperate to be with him again. Is she crazy?
  

On the rocks alert: Cameron Diaz and A-Rod: It's over!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 June 2011

The Only Ten Magazine That Matter do not care about the scandals involving athletes, with the exception of Tiger Woods starting in late 2009. Athletes are only of interest if they are dating or married to famous women like actresses or pop stars or Kardashians.

Alex Rodriguez has decided he no long wants to be an interesting person, as he has dumped Cameron Diaz. He will now return to being the very good ballplayer who is ridiculously overpaid for his services, even by the ridiculous standards of modern American sport.

Rich people are rich: Inside Sandra's $23 million mansion.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 June 2011

Sandra Bullock, like BrAngelina or Jennifer Aniston, doesn't actually have to do anything newsworthy or ever gossip-worthy to get on the cover of a magazine. This week, Weekly Life & Style gives us a tour of her very expensive house.

I imagine it's nice.

Buns in the oven alert™: Fresh horses for my men and babies for all the Kardashians!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 June 2011

Weekly Life & Style gives most of the cover to all three Kardashian sisters. While Kim is getting married and thereby sucking up most of the oxygen out of the room, Weekly Life & Style tells us the other two are pregnant. Here are the headlines.

• Fertility doctor makes Khloe's baby dream come true
• Kourtney: Another baby before her wedding!
  
  

Best wishes to all concerned, with a proviso that every female Kardashian above the age of consent and younger than the age of menopause has allegedly been pregnant several times in the past eighteen months.

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™ and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim's wedding and pregnancy news.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

After People's big scoop last week of announcing the official engagement of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, a passel of the non-AMI tabloids have jumped on the bandwagon this week. In fact, only Us Weekly declined to join in on the fun. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Kim's bridezilla demands
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $3 million summer wedding
• OK!: Kim's wedding surprise
  I'm having a baby!
  She reveals her big news to family and friends.
  An overjoyed Kim says, "I can't stop crying"

Kim has already denied the pregnancy rumor.

Note: The picture of Kim in the wedding dress is from last year when she was engaged to Reggie Bush. She was trying on her mom's old dress.

Love Bird Alert™:Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez on vacation.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, Star
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Justin Bieber, the biggest star on the planet, and his girlfriend Selena Gomez were spotted on vacation this week and three different magazines went with the story. Here are the headlines.

• People: Justin & Selena: Young Love!
• Weekly Life & Style: Justin and Selena's sexy vacation
• Star: Justin and Selena HOT

If there is a spike in young female suicide attempts this week, this would be the most likely explanation.

Commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive sent me this picture and asked if it looked like Justin had a little... manly happiness in his swim trunks. It's hard to be definite given the angle of this picture and the cropping, but I know if I was in his situation, there would be some happiness in my swim trunks.

Just sayin'.

Love Bird Alert™: Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively.

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style

Date: 6 June 2011

Plenty of stories about a new couple this week. Leonardo DiCaprio is no longer dating supermodel Bar Refaeli, but has been seen in Cannes with actress Blake Lively. Here are the headlines.

• People: Blake and Leo - heating up
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Leo chose Blake Lively over a supermodel
• Us Weekly: Blake and Leo - a new romance

It's easy to think of Leo as a kid, but in fact he's 36. Since they are in Cannes, it's only fair to bring up the Sophisticated French Rule. Half his age plus seven is 25.

Bar Refaeli is 25. Blake Lively is 23. If this was a trade in for youth, it's a bad sign.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Kendra says "I'm scared of gaining weight"

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 6 June 2011

Kendra Wilkinson has something like an epiphany and is quoted as saying "I'm scared of gaining weight". It may have finally dawned on her she has no talent and if she doesn't look good naked, the gravy train of reality TV will no longer be available to her.

Love Bird Alert™: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to gossip hell, Justin Theroux! He is Jennifer Aniston's co-star in the movie Wanderlust, set to be released this fall, and allegedly they are a couple.

Recall that Jennifer was also supposed to be a couple with Gerard Butler last year, her co-star in The Bounty Hunter.

In any case, here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Jen's new man: Trash collector!
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen and co-star Justin Theroux: "She's fantastic"

I'm pretty sure the In Touch headline is some play on words, but as usual I didn't open the magazine to check.

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, I should wish the happy couple all the best, but it's kind of like hoping Lucy will finally let Charlie Brown kick the football or really believing the Cubs are going to go all the way this year.

Adults shouldn't allow themselves to believe such silliness.

More honeymoon stories about Wills'N'Kate.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Globe
Date: 30 May 2011

Plenty of stories this week about the young royals, with three in particular about their honeymoon. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate dream honeymoon photos
• Us Weekly: Their secret honeymoon
• Globe: Wills'N'Kate's honeymoon heartbreak
  Why dream trip turned into nightmare

Can you guess which one of these magazines has more mean stories than the others on average? (Hint: not a trick question.)