All the Bachelorette stuff for 4 July.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 4 July 2011

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter love the Bachelor franchise, and this season's big drama is about Ashley and Bentley. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Ashley's mistake Having Sex With Bentley
• Us Weekly: Bentley's cruel return
• Weekly Life & Style: Ashley tortured for her looks
  After being called 'ugly' and 'flat'. Ashley opens up about her insecurities and how her fiance made her feel sexy again
  (Bachelorette exclusive)
  plus: How she lost 10 lbs. for the wedding

As you can see, in Touch and Us Weekly just did drive-by reporting, while Weekly Life & Style devoted most of the cover to this.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: How Khloe lost 10 lbs.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 July 2011

Yet again, Khloe Kardashian makes the cover of a supermarket rag for losing ten pounds. The last time was in April 2010. Most of the stories in the past six months for Khloe have been pregnancy rumors, all so far unfounded.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: How Jordin Sparks lost 30 lbs.

Publication: People
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to gossip heck, Jordin Sparks! I say "gossip heck" instead of gossip hell because the 21 year old winner of American False Idol in 2006 is on the cover of People and it's about weight loss, which is one of the nicest kinds of gossip, right up there with finding true love, getting married or having a baby.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: A whole slew of too skinny celebrity women.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 20 June 2011

Star uses most of the cover this week to show women who are too skinny as far as they are concerned. The list includes Ashlee Simpson, Courtney Love, Keira Knightley, Taylor Momsen, Tara Reid, Gretchen Rossi, Candice Swanepoel and a blocked out face "Guess who?" picture of Taylor Armstrong from Real Housewives that was on the cover of Star last April.

The magazine expects their readers have the attention spans of gnats. They may be right as far as that goes.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Gossip-worthy brides get slim for their big days

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

It's every girl's special day. No, I don't mean the release on DVD of her sex tape, I'm talking about her wedding! And when walking down the aisle, much like on the sex tape, no young woman wants everyone thinking "Damn! She should lay off the cheeseburgers!"

So both Weekly Life & Style and OK! tell us about Kim Kardashian, this week's second biggest star in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter behind Bachelorette Ashley, doing her best to get in porn star shape for that special night when she and her new husband will do whatever they have been doing for the past several months now.

OK! also mentions Jessica Simpson getting trim for her trip down the aisle.

From pictures I've seen recently, she has more work to do than Kim K. does.

I'm cruel, but fair.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton anorexia shocker!

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

The idea that Kate Middleton is way too skinny is not new to the gossip rags. The Globe reported that she weighed 105 lbs. last summer. I don't know how much she weighs, but she is 5'10" (1m78) and she always looks very trim. I've never seen pictures of her where her legs or arms look like spindles or her skin shows every rib, the way Callista Flockhart or Teri Hatcher have looked from time to time.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Angelina weighs 99 lbs and is hooked on heroin.

Publication: Star
Date: 13 June 2011

Star magazine says Angelina Jolie weighs 99 lbs. and is hooked on heroin. Brad's family is planning an intervention.

This last detail makes all the rest less believable, because Brad's family really hates her.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: The winner on The Biggest Loser lost half her weight.

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Whoever the TV show The Biggest Loser has signed up as their publicist is doing a good job right now. This is the third gossip rag cover story on the stands in May after getting no mentions in the first four months of the year.

And congratulations to both Olivia and her sister Hannah for their remarkable weight loss success stories.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: LeAnn Rimes and Courtney Love are wasting away.

Publication: Star
Date: 6 June 2011

As we already know, it's the job of female celebrities to look good. The problem is that they can be derided for being too skinny or too muscular just as easily as they can be mocked for being fat and out of shape. LeAnn Rimes has been in the gossip rags a lot over the past year and a half, and besides the stories about breaking up a marriage, there have been several about her body, from looking good to an enboobening alert to being scary skinny. This story counts among the latter category.

And welcome to gossip hell, Courtney Love! The widow Cobain may be a target for other gossip sources, but this is her first mention in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter in a year and a half, and this one is for the sin of being a bag of bones.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Hot Bodies 2011

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 6 June 2011

Nothing surprising about good looking celebrities in swimsuits on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. Nothing surprising to see Zac Efron and Kourtney Kardashian featured in such stories. The only slight surprise is to see Carrie Underwood in a bikini for the first time, but not such a surprise that she looks good in one.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Kendra says "I'm scared of gaining weight"

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 6 June 2011

Kendra Wilkinson has something like an epiphany and is quoted as saying "I'm scared of gaining weight". It may have finally dawned on her she has no talent and if she doesn't look good naked, the gravy train of reality TV will no longer be available to her.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Britney Spears back in shape

Publications: People, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, National Enquirer
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Four magazines weigh in about Britney Spears' new weight, which is a lot of magazines. In recent months, four or more cover stories in the same week have meant either weddings (Wills'N'Kate, Reese Witherspoon) or crap about The Bachelor. In any case, here are the headlines.

• People: Britney backstage Exclusive photos
• OK!: Britney: How I lost 20 lbs.
• Weekly Life & Style: Britney's hot body
  her diet secrets
• National Enquirer: Britney's new body shocker!
  How she really lost 30 lbs. in 40 days

This is a telling example of how the Enquirer maintains its lead as the Meanest Gossip Rag In America.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Summer bikini diets.

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 May 2011

It's time to start dieting to get into those skimpy swimsuits, and what better incentive is there than a picture of Kim Kardashian? OK! does not use this particular picture of Kim in a two piece, but I never get tired of it, if you know what I mean.

Damn You Skinnier Alert™: Kirstie Alley lying about weight loss method.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 16 May 2011

The Flagship continues their crusade against fat Scientologists this week, calling Kirstie Alley a liar. Here are the headlines.

• Kirstie's Gastric Bypass Secret
• how she really lost 70 lbs.
• her weight loss lies exposed

Good for her for losing weight. It's not easy, I know. Bad on the Enquirer for never giving her even a moment's rest or credit.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst winter beach bodies for early May 2011.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 May 2011

The Flagship has been doing a lot of beach body covers recently, and while they call them best and worst, most of the cover pictures tend to the worst. The only exception this time around is a flattering picture of Serena Williams that shows off her remarkable butt, if you like that sort of thing. There is a "Guess Who?" of some actress who is enormously fat, but I didn't open the magazine up to find out who. Most of the rest are way too skinny. Here are the headlines.

• Steve Tyler - dude looks like a lady
• Serena Williams - buns of steel
• Kathy Griffin - needs a burger and a tan
• Taylor Armstrong - guess which Housewife?
  
  

Damn You Skinnier Alert™: Kirstie Alley loses 30 pounds.

Publication: OK!
Date: 2 May 2011

Early this month, there was a rash of stories about Dancing With The Stars and the first story about Kirstie Alley that wasn't from the AMI kennel in over a year. Now OK!, the polar opposite the Enquirer and the rest of the jackals, reports that Kirstie has lost 30 pounds.

Good for her.

Damn You Skinnier Alert™: Aretha loses 85 pounds in five months.

Publication: People
Date: 2 May 2011

Until now, all stories about Miss Aretha Franklin have been in the National Enquirer, and none of them were good. Now, Miss Aretha gets a story in People where she says she's healthy and she's lost 85 pounds.

In December, there were several news organizations who went with the story that Aretha had pancreatic cancer. She denies it and I'm inclined to take her at her word, though I'm just your standard consumer of news, so I have no special insights into who is telling the truth in this case.

In any case, best wishes to Miss Franklin, her family and friends, from a fan.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Bikini secrets of the stars!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 2 May 2011

You too can have the bikini secrets of the stars! Lose 12 pounds in 4 weeks!

Is Kim Kardashian actually a star?

Look at that picture. Why ask silly questions?

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Real Housewife Taylor Armstrong is scary skinny.

Publication: Star
Date: 25 April 2011

I'm guessing Real Housewives are on hiatus or they aren't giving the gossip rags enough payola because this is the first story involving one of their spawn since late February. Instead of being too fat, Taylor Armstrong is outed for being too skinny.

Sounds like a wonderful life.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Dancing With The Stars beach bodies

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 April 2011

The Flagship has another cover story featuring women who look like they are being photographed through telephoto lenses, but this week the women actually don't look awful. They have three women from the current season of Dancing With The Stars, stars Kendra Wilkinson and Wendy Williams and dancer Cheryl Burke, shown above. Scanning across the Internets, some people say that this is what she looks like when she's out of shape.

Still looks pretty good to me.

I count this as the first positive story on the cover of the Enquirer since late January.