Meanest Story nominee: Angelina weighs 99 lbs and is hooked on heroin.

Publication: Star
Date: 13 June 2011

Star magazine says Angelina Jolie weighs 99 lbs. and is hooked on heroin. Brad's family is planning an intervention.

This last detail makes all the rest less believable, because Brad's family really hates her.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week: Travolta's battle to save tragic "Taxi" star.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to 2011 tabloid gossip hell, Jeff Conaway!

For those of you visiting the blog for the first time, know that AMI, the company that owns the National Enquirer and four other gossip rags, hates Scientology with every fiber of their being, hating John Travolta, Kirstie Alley and Tom Cruise almost equally. So this week, it comes as a surprise that they put up a positive story about Travolta doing his best to help out his Grease co-star Jeff Conaway, whose problems with booze and pain killers have been well documented on all those miserable celebrity rehab shows.

I have no love for Scientology either, but anyone willing to reach out to help a pal from back in the day is doing the right thing in my book.

Let's get the Teen Mom crap out of the way early.

Publication: OK!
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The good news is that only one gossip rag has Teen Mom crap on their cover this week. The bad news is that we can't get rid of this plague, which among reality TV shows is only surpassed by Dancing With The Stars for interest from the Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

I don't watch Dancing With The Stars, but at least I understand how someone could watch it. This show's appeal mystifies me completely. Anyway, here are the headlines.

• Leah's shock: Another Teen Mom Baby
  exclusive interview
  PLUS Corey starts a second family with a new woman and child
  Jenelle's rehab diary: "It's a nightmare."
  

Breaking news: Whitney Houston checks into rehab. Again.

Publication: People online
Date: 9 May 2011

The online version of People is reporting that Whitney Houston is checking into rehab for treatment of addiction to drugs and alcohol. Since this is reported on a Monday, it should be on the cover of some gossip rag coming out this Thursday.

Demon Drugs and Demon Rum Alert™: Lady Gaga's family has an intervention.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 9 May 2011

Online gossip sources love Lady Gaga, the supermarket rags not so much. This year, only Star has mentioned her at all and both times it's to tell us she's taking way too many recreational concoctions. Here are the sub-headlines.

• family's last ditch attempt to save her
• drunk all day
• terrifying collapse
• coke & ecstasy

Who knows? Maybe she was born this way.

You So Crazy Alert™: Jim Carrey's wild night of partying!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 2 May 2011.

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Jim Carrey made some gossip headlines a year ago when he broke up with Jenny McCarthy, a large breasted comic actress who tragically thinks she knows something about vaccines and is putting uncounted numbers of children at risk. Now, the Star has the details of a wild night of partying for the comic actor, featuring pot, booze and four women.

What no coke, no heroin? No knives or guns brandished? The police weren't called in?

Pretty weak wild night if you ask me. Still, Jim sounds like he's renting the crazy by the hour instead of being married to it.

A much more frugal lifestyle choice in the long run.

Demon Drugs Alert™: Dennis Quaid exposes Hollywood's drug secrets!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Dennis Quaid! The skinnier and saner of the Quaid brothers makes his first appearance in the supermarket rags since the beginning of 2010, but since he's just a snitch in this story and the headline does not make it sound like he's a drug addict himself, maybe we should just welcome him to gossip heck.

Demon Drugs Alert™: Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Christina Brown going into rehab

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 21 March 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

According to the Flagship, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are being responsible parents and forcing their daughter Bobbi Kristina into rehab after finding out she does cocaine.

I think Whitney and Bobby are responsible, but not in the same meaning the word has in the previous paragraph.

Demon Drugs Alert™: Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Christina Brown addicted to cocaine.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 14 March 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Welcome to gossip hell, Bobbi Christina Brown! Not content to drag Whitney Houston's name through the mud, the Flagship also wants us to know that Whitney's 18 year old daughter is a flaming hot mess as well. While this picture shows Bobbi Christina enjoying some smoke with a friend, the Enquirer has eight exclusive photos of the young woman doing blow, because seven exclusive photos would lack gravitas. The cover story also has the quote "I'm just like my mother."

I'm not so sure, hon. When your mom was eighteen, she could sing like crazy, not just act crazy.

Just sayin'.

Meanest Story nominee:Obama hooked on pills!

Publication: Globe
Date: 21 February 2011

Plenty of mean stories this week, some of them new, some of them re-hashed. This one is certainly new, as one of the Three Wicked Step Sisters takes a whole new tack in their attacks on Barack Hussein Cobain Obama. Besides being a Muslim Communist Kenyan, now he's also a hophead.

According to the Globe, the undeserving usurper who only got twice as many electoral votes as his rival is now hooked on pills. He is abusing some unnamed "coke-like" stimulant which leaves him depressed and confused. It is also the reason for his shocking weight loss.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Demon Drugs Alert™:Lady Gaga hits rock bottom.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 14 February 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow. Last trash of the week... right now!

The demographic of supermarket gossip skews older than the online gossip, so Lady Gaga is barely on the radar of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. This week, the Star tells us she has hit rock bottom. The subheadlines read:

• addicted to coke
• scribbles on walls
• e-mailing graphic nude photos

The only thing that surprises me about this is that no matter what else you might say about her, Lady Gaga is an original artist. This story makes it sound like she's stealing Miley Cyrus' act.

Demon You Name It Alert™:Stories about Charlie Sheen and rehab

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Lots of stories this week in the supermarket rags, but not a lot of repeats. One story that does show up on two different mags is Charlie Sheen's latest woes, which are very similar to his woes for last several years if not decades. Here are the headlines.

• People: Charlie Sheen, what went wrong
• Us Weekly: Charlie Sheen, inside his breakdown
• Weekly Life & Style: Can Charlie's family save him?
  

I have no inside information, as I have said many times before. But seriously, nothing "went wrong", this doesn't count as a breakdown and his family can't save him. Twelve years ago, there was a very funny but short-lived series on Fox called Action, starring Jay Mohr as a sleazy movie producer, though I repeat myself. They had a well constructed joke about Charlie Sheen and hookers.

In 1999.

There are three switches inside Charlie Sheen's head for hookers, booze and blow. All three of them are set in the "ON" position. They have been set that way since Bill Clinton was president, maybe longer.

A more interesting headline would be: Charlie Sheen, why he is still alive.

Meanest Story nominee:Katie Holmes' drug shocker!

Publication: Star
Date: 31 January 2011

As I mentioned when I started this blog, there are two couples who are always about to split up according to The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, BrAngelina and TomKat. The working premise is that if things were normal they would separate, so clearly if they are together, things cannot be normal. Star is claiming Katie Holmes is messed up on drugs and that's the reason she can't leave Tom Cruise. There is some irony in this, given how much Scientologists in general and Tom Cruise in particular hate psychotropic drugs.

This gets a Meanest Story nominee.

Demon Rum Alert™:Amber's drunken mistake.

Publication: OK!
Date: 24 January 2011

OK! goes with two separate stories of bimbo eruptions from Teen Mom, MTV's most compelling evidence that we do not deserve to survive as a species. As usual, unless a story is the top story on the cover of OK!, they are skimpy with the details, but we know Amber Portwood was drunk and she made a mistake.

Personally, I fail to see how this counts as news.

She Fought The Law Alert™:Teen Mom Jenelle Evans' trouble with the law

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 24 January 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Jenelle Evans! The latest out of control girl from Teen Mom makes it on the cover of two supermarket rags following an arrest for marijuana possession. In Touch has only a small picture, while OK! makes it the main story. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Teen Mom Jenelle's Shocking Arrest
• OK!: Teen Mom Jenelle Losing Her Baby Forever
  Her criminal behavior could keep her from baby Jace again

They also include small pictures of Jenelle smoking the herb and berating her mom, though not at the same time.

It's nice to know the producers at MTV still have that uncanny talent for finding people who will commit crimes before the crimes are actually committed.

Demon Drugs Alert™:Angelina headed for rehab

Publication: Star
Date: 17 January 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! We get a triple dose of BrAngelina this week, the three stories having nothing to do with one another. The Star says Angelina was wasted in public, had a frightening secret collapse and Brad ordered her to "get help now". They also have a standalone headline "Heroin shocker!"

The website The Bosh has the details, and not surprisingly, they are not as sensational as the headlines make it sound. She looked tired at the Berlin grand opening of her movie The Tourist. She drinks wine in the evening and takes Ambien. She is not currently taking heroin and the mention of it was just the imagination of the writers at the Star.

Demon Drugs Alert™:Miley and the Bong

Publication: Star
Date: 27 December 2010
(photo nicked from TMZ.com)

The headline in the Star reads "Best and Worst OMG moments of 2010", but their choices on the cover of such moments is limited, as in limited to one.

Miley and the Bong.

It sounds like some action comedy from the 1970's like Freebie and the Bean or BJ and the Bear, doesn't it? Though if we are looking to the future, it's much more likely we will sooner get to see Miley and the BJ than Miley and the Bear.

Just sayin'.

Demon Drugs Alert™:Billy Ray tries to save Miley

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 December 2010

Somebody somewhere working for The Only Ten Magazines That Matter has finally figured out that Miley Cyrus might be of interest to their readers. The antics of the massively popular DisneyTeen™ all growed up into a Psycho Bitch From Hell is a top story in internet gossip, but this is only the second mention of her this year on the covers of the supermarket rags. The first post about her from the National Enquirer story in November is a big reason for this blog's large increase in readership over the past six weeks.

Now, daddy Billy Ray says he's going to try to save her. Best of luck, because nothing says you love your daughter more than exploiting her for cash throughout her entire puberty.

Ask Lindsay Lohan's dad how this will turn out if you aren't currently clear on the topic. The parents of the Spears girls might be good candidates for this group therapy session as well.

Meanest Story nominee:Willow Palin caught in drug deal

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 6 December 2010

If you've been following the Facebook debacle, there is no question that Willow Palin is quite a handful and her mom isn't reining her in very well. But Weekly Life & Style goes way past declaring Willow is officially a Mean Girl like her mom and now says she's a druggie.

If it's true, it's the Scoop of the Week. Weekly Life & Style doesn't have a Scoop of the Week yet this year, and they aren't super reliable. They were the only supermarket rag that went with the story found in online gossip sources about Demi Lovato being a coke hound.

This story says Willow was "caught in a drug deal", which implies the police and the courts are involved. Checking online, Wonkette provides the juicy details, that it was other Wasilla stoners who "caught" her and the police are not involved. Because of the easy deniability and difficult standard of proof, this one gets a Meanest Story nomination.

That said, I think Willow may be the last and biggest nail in the coffin of Sarah Palin's political aspirations before this is all through.

Demon Drugs and Rum Alert™:Butch Patrick's drug and booze hell

Publication: Globe
Date: 29 November 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Globe beats the Examiner in the weekly Hey Old Timer Gossip contest, with two stories, one about Zsa Zsa Gabor and this one about Butch Patrick, best known as Eddie Munster, while the Examiner only told us bad news about Liza Minnelli.

If we are to believe the Globe, Butch drinks a little. Oh yeah, and there's drugs involved, too.