Meanest Story nominee: Trashing Miss Elizabeth Taylor one more time.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner, very fond of Hey Old Timer Gossip, drags the names of four dead people through the mud this week, though the main target of the mudslinging is Miss Elizabeth Taylor, the freshest of the corpses they decided to kick.

First, they say Miss Taylor had a steamy affair with John F. Kennedy.

I'm not completely buying this. Miss Taylor was definitely an "if you like it then you should have put a ring on it" kind of gal.

They also peddle the story that she had a war with Grace Kelly over Prince Rainier.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin love child scandal!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

Once again, an AMI scandal sheet is spreading rumors about Sarah Palin, saying she is involved in a love child scandal.

First off, d'uh! Her grandkid is a love child. Bristol gave birth and didn't get married, remember?

I'm assuming the only way it could be a scandal is if there is another baby on the way, but if that's the case, it's damned unlikely the "love child" will belong to Sarah, even though she is the only one named in the story. I assume they are talking about Todd fathering a kid, but I didn't open the magazine to find out.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Loretta Lynn prepares to die!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner is trying to kill off Miss Loretta Lynn once again. The detail they add is a "$10 million promise to her kids".

Sounds like a will. Miss Loretta is now 79 years old and has been very successful, so it only makes sense she has a will. It does not mean she will die soon.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Amber's deathbed confession!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 July 2011

Anyone who has read this blog before knows how much I dislike the entire concept of the reality show Teen Mom. Since I haven't watched it, I don't have a least favorite star of this show, but having read headlines, it seems like Amber Portwood is one of the most disagreeable.

It is my fond wish that these young women would not be on TV, but I'm not wishing them dead.

In Touch uses the word "deathbed" in a cover story about Amber Portwood. She did attempt suicide, but it wasn't anywhere near a successful attempt, so it wasn't really a "deathbed confession".

The gossip rags have only used the word "deathbed" in three cases prior to this in the last eighteen months. They have used it to describe Elizabeth Edwards and Elizabeth Taylor after they died, and they used it in a story about Zsa Zsa Gabor when it looked like she was going to die.

Zsa Zsa is 93. Amber is 21. Claiming Zsa Zsa was on her deathbed can be listed as an honest mistake.

This, on the other hand, is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin falls for married man!

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 June 2011

Early in the year, the AMI kennel had several stories that said Todd Palin couldn't keep it in his pants. They have said the Palins were getting divorced several times as well. This is the first time they have gone with the story that Sarah may have a roving eye.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Five MORE celebs get the Sad Last Days treatment.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

The low rent Examiner had their usual big cover page to fill and their typical lack of actual reporters to find stories, so they just picked five names of celebrities who have been famous a very long time and report to us that they are on their last legs. Four of these actors are new to the Brave Last Days treatment, one is a repeat customer.

New to the list is Maureen O'Hara, still the gold standard when it comes to red-headed fabulosity in Hollywood.


Also new is Peter Falk.

UPDATE: Peter Falk died a week after this story appeared on Friday, June 24, 2011.


Jack Klugman hasn't looked or sounded very good for a while, but he's still with us.


Angela Lansbury has been mentioned in the tabs over the past two years, but this is the first report of her imminent demise.


And last on the list is James Garner. This is the third time the tabloids have said he was gonna die in the past two years, the first time back in May of 2010.

Best wishes to all the stars, their family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Angelina's miscarriage drama!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

Last week, the Enquirer won the Meanest Story of the Week vote hands down writing that Angelina was anorexic, weighed 99 pounds and was hooked on heroin. This week, they go with a story that may be even worse about the favorite topic of the gossip rags, that she had a miscarriage. Here are the headlines.

• The secret they're hiding
• Brad finds her on the floor covered in blood
• She begs him: "Save our baby!"
• Pregnancy dream shattered as weight continues to drop
  

Because of the gruesome details, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Jeff Conaway - it was MURDER!

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

Last week, the Globe asked what killed Jeff Conaway. This week, they supply the answer.

Girlfriend Vicki Lizzi.

Here are the headlines.

Who fed him fatal drugs?
"I did nothing wrong" girlfriend (Vicki Lizzi)

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin walks out on Todd!

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sisters hate Sarah Palin so much, you'd think she was a Scientologist. (Must her pallin' around with Greta Van Susterin so much.) In any case, the Globe is reporting that the marriage of Sarah and Todd is through. Here are the headlines.

• Cheating, lies & jealousy
• She moves into $1.7 million mansion in Arizona
• Divorce scandal explodes
  

It should be noted that the low rent Examiner said they were divorcing back in September, long before all the massage therapist rumors started in the Enquirer.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton anorexia shocker!

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

The idea that Kate Middleton is way too skinny is not new to the gossip rags. The Globe reported that she weighed 105 lbs. last summer. I don't know how much she weighs, but she is 5'10" (1m78) and she always looks very trim. I've never seen pictures of her where her legs or arms look like spindles or her skin shows every rib, the way Callista Flockhart or Teri Hatcher have looked from time to time.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Billy Graham goes home to die.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 6 June 2011

The low rent Examiner tries to kill off evangelist Billy Graham one more time. The 92 year old preacher was hospitalized this month, but he recovered and was sent home. The most despicable and desperate gossip rag says it was only done so he could die in the comfort of his home and he will die "within weeks".

It should be noted that the low rent Examiner had Graham's "final wish" back in May 2010 and his final message to America back just before Christmas. Usually, I would think a recently hospitalized 92 year old probably is getting close to the end, but when you realize he is both young and in better condition than Zsa Zsa Gabor.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Mary Tyler Moore's last hope!

Publication: Globe
Date: 30 May 2011

The Globe wants us to know that Mary Tyler Moore is in bad shape, whether it is true or not. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Secret behind her brain surgery ordeal
• What she's hiding from fans
  

They didn't say she was going to die in any direct way, but "last hope" and "brain surgery" in the same story's headlines can't be good. Best wishes to Ms. Moore, her family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: James Durbin held a knife to the throat of a child.

Publication: Star
Date: 23 May 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, James Durbin! The American Idol contestant who was sent home this week is accused by Star of hold a knife to the throat of a child.

Looking online, all I've found out about him is that he was diagnosed with Tourette's and Asperger's, which are major obstacles to overcome.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Michelle in a rage over Barack's other women.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 23 May 2011

Stories that the president is cheating on the First Lady has been popular in the AMI kennel for some time now. Of course, it was true when Clinton was in office, but the Three Wicked Step Sisters also told similar stories about George W. Bush and now Barack Hussein Playa Obama. Instead of giving direct evidence of infidelity, the low rent Examiner tells us that scary Michelle is even scarier than usual.

This is a Meanest Story of the Week nominee.

Meanest Story nominee: Bobbi Christina facing jail time!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 16 May 2011

The low rent Examiner was not on the newsstands yesterday and I haven't been able to find it today, so we'll have to have the Meanest Story competition without them. The Enquirer has decided to go after Bobbi Christina Brown in a big way, now saying the young girl faces jail time for being busted in a gunfight.

The story may or may not be true. I have found no corroboration in a reputable source. The reason I'm nominating it for Meanest Story is that she really isn't a celebrity, and the Enquirer has decided to hate on her like she was John Edwards or a fat Scientologist.

Brave Last Days Alert and Meanest Story nominee: Larry Fortensky brain damaged and dying!

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 May 2011

The Globe isn't quite through with Miss Elizabeth Taylor just yet. They put a story on the cover that her last husband, construction worker Larry Fortensky, is brain damaged and dying, and that Liz left him $1,000,000 in her will.

Best wishes to Mr. Fortensky. This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Tina Turner headed to booze rehab, friends fear.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 May 2011

Welcome (back) to gossip hell, Miss Tina Turner! The Enquirer has another one of those "friends fear" stories, which really means somebody needed a few bucks and they ratted out a celebrity for cash. According to this story, Tina is drinking hard after the death of her sister.

I hate to bring up age and Miss Turner in the same sentence, but I had a poster of her in my room when I was in high school, so she does technically count as Hey Old Timer Gossip.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: JFK Jr. murdered by same killers as his father!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2 May 2011

The low rent Examiner presents us with a conspiracy theory I've never heard before, claiming that John F. Kennedy Jr.'s plane crash was not an accident and that it was engineered by the same people who killed his father. The sub-headline reads "Plane sabotaged to hide the truth!"

Without question, this yarn should only be attempted by people who have a degree in advanced corpse kicking.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Shirley Maclaine bedded three men in one day.

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

Welcome to (modern) gossip hell, Shirley Maclaine! Now best known for her New Age beliefs and winning an Oscar for her portrayal of a cranky soon to be grandma in Terms of Endearment, let's recall that she started her career being pretty darned adorable and an excellent comic actress.

The Globe would also like you to know she was a slutty slut slut, as in three times in one day with three different guys.

Stay classy, Globe!

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton already pregnant!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 25 April 2011

Now that the royal wedding is at the end of the month and all the rice has been swept up from Reese Witherspoon wedding, (literally true but figuratively, not quite), the American tabloids can now focus on Wills'N'Kate more deeply, which in the case of the dogs in the AMI kennel means they can work harder at making the young couple's life a living hell.

It's an open secret that lack of virginity is not a deal breaker anymore, and no one with a lick of sense thinks Wills'N'Kate have just been holding hands and attending polo matches for the past decade or so, but the Star says they have info from some palace blabbermouth that Kate will walk down the aisle already heavy with child. Just to make it seem more realistic, they add the details that the official announcement will come after the honeymoon and if they have a daughter, they will name her Diana.

Well, if we do have a royal baby in the near future, it won't be hard to do the math to see if this story is bollocks or not. As for now, it gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.