You So Crazy Alert™: Roseanne admits "I'm crazy!"

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 21 June 2011

The low rent Examiner has Roseanne on the cover this week, a celebrity who has been completely out of the gossip spotlight for many years. Her claim to gossip-worthiness, at least the low rent Examiner's version of worthiness, is an interview in which she admits she's crazy, a revelation labeled as "shocking".

In other shocking news, water is wet and gravity works best in the downward direction when you are standing on some given planet.

You So Crazy Alert™: Jim Carrey's wild night of partying!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 2 May 2011.

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Jim Carrey made some gossip headlines a year ago when he broke up with Jenny McCarthy, a large breasted comic actress who tragically thinks she knows something about vaccines and is putting uncounted numbers of children at risk. Now, the Star has the details of a wild night of partying for the comic actor, featuring pot, booze and four women.

What no coke, no heroin? No knives or guns brandished? The police weren't called in?

Pretty weak wild night if you ask me. Still, Jim sounds like he's renting the crazy by the hour instead of being married to it.

A much more frugal lifestyle choice in the long run.

You So Crazy Alert™: JWoww tried to kill an ex-boyfriend.

Publication: Star
Date: 2 May 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, JWoww! The large breasted young woman who isn't Snooki on Jersey Shore has an ex-boyfriend ratting on her this week, showing pictures of a stab wound on his arm and claiming she tried to kill kim.

When I changed the rules of this blog at the beginning of the year and started reporting on all reality TV cover stories of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, I thought I'd be overrun with Jersey Shore gossip. So far, this is the first story specifically about a cast member (Snooki got mentioned in a best and worst beach body smorgasbord, she was one of the worst) and we are four months into the new year.

I'd say this is good news, but the most popular reality TV show in the gossip rags is Teen Mom, which is much worse as far as I'm concerned.

You So Crazy Alert™: The weirdos on Kate Middleton's side of the aisle.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 2 May 2011

It was Teddy Roosevelt's daughter Alice who got the credit for the quote "If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

She would have loved the National Enquirer.

This week, the Flagship pulled out all the stops and dug up every bit of dirt they could find on the Middleton family. On the cover, they mention a drug addict, a stripper and a cross dresser, and they promise more dirt inside.

Personally, when it comes to the goofy, I think the Windsor family has got them beat.

Meanest Story nominee:Catherine Zeta-Jones in Psycho Ward!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 25 April 2011

The Flagship has a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, as usual, but this one has already been confirmed as true. Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is called "Michael Douglas' wife" in the headlines, has been checked in to a mental hospital due to a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder 2. The Enquirer says she has been put in a ward with drug addicts and alcoholics, but since she works in Hollywood, she should feel right at home. (Rimshot! Thank you very much! I'll be here all week! Try the veal!)

UPDATE: Not only has this story been confirmed, but a week later it gets on several covers, so I give the story a belated Scoop of the Week.

You So Crazy Alert™: Britney's strange behavior.

Publication: OK!
Date: 18 April 2011

Two stories about about Britney Spears on the covers of the supermarket rags this week, which is the first time since December. The other unusual thing is that the negative story is in OK!, which is generally the nicest of the gossip mags. Their headline reads "Britney's strange behavior".

You So Crazy Alert™: Two stories about Teen Mom Jenelle

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 14 March 2011

Jenelle Evans has almost as many mentions on the covers of the supermarket rags this year as fellow Teen Mom alumna Amber Portwood, which makes her one of the most popular reality TV stars in the gossip world this year. She's not as popular as Bachelor Brad, Kendra or the Kardashian sisters, but she is tied with fellow reality TV star Sarah Palin, both of them one tabloid cover story away from being in the top ten for 2011.

Here are her headlines.

• In Touch: Jenelle threatening her ex
• Us Weekly: Jenelle not ready to be his mom
  Jenelle and her mom open up about troubled family, the partying, her future plans and how it's all affecting Jace

You So Crazy Alert™:A whole passel of different views of the Charlie Sheen debacle

Publications: People, Star, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This week belongs to Charlie Sheen, who shows up on five different supermarket rags. He's only a bit player in the low rent Examiner, but all the rest of the stories are all about him and his increasingly public meltdown. We get to watch him mount a charm offensive to combat the bad stories about him, but he doesn't seem to realize he has nearly zero charm. Here are the headlines.

• People: What happened to Charlie Sheen
  The Inside Story
  A candid talk with the star at home
  The bizarre world of TV's controversial bad boy:
  "If I'm insane, I'm OK with it… This is not an act."
• Star: Charlie uncensored: Hollywood's dirtiest secrets
• Us Weekly: Charlie Sheen: how his kids suffer
• Weekly Life & Style: Family wants Charlie Sheen committed

All the arrows are pointing in the same direction and there is virtually no one standing up for him. This story might just go away quietly, but it won't if Mr. Sheen has anything to say about it. If there is anything refreshing about this slow motion train wreck, it's pretty rare nowadays for this level of idiot to be a middle aged man. Most of the hot messes the gossip industry love are women under the age of 30.

Meanest Story nominee:Chelsea Clinton's husband heading for the mental hospital

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 March 2011

I don't really consider Chelsea Clinton a celebrity. She's the daughter of a former president, but she's making no effort to keep herself in the spotlight. This does not keep the dogs in the AMI kennel from continuing to hound her and her husband Marc Mezvinsky. This week, it's the Enquirer saying the Marc is heading for the mental hospital, with the small type sub-headline "friends fear".

I'd say it's time to get some new friends. This is a Meanest Story nominee.

You So Crazy Alert™: Teen Mom Jenelle's hotel room found trashed.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 28 February 2011

Amber Portwood still claims the title of craziest girl ever to be on the show Teen Mom, but Jenelle Evans is not going to let her hold onto that title without a fight. In Touch tells us she trashed a hotel room she recently occupied.

Once again, I think of how proud her parents must be.

You So Crazy Alert™ :Hollywood out of control!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 February 2011

The Enquirer loves scatter shot stories. Why pick on one celebrity in detail when you can trash half a dozen? They call it "Hollywood out of control", but it's not all actors. The celebrities on the front cover are:

• Christina Aguilera (who they call a fallen star)
• Amy Winehouse
• Charlie Sheen
• Matt Lauer, who appears to be at a strip club
• David Arquette
• Demi Moore

You So Crazy Alert™: Pat Robertson losing his mind.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 21 February 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Pat Robertson! It says something about the gravitas of the former presidential candidate that his first mention in the tabloids in a very long time is in the low rent Examiner, who run a story that his friends fear he may not be in full possession of his faculties.

I didn't open the magazine, that's my policy, but if you are a "friend" of Pat Robertson, I have to wonder exactly what he's doing that makes you think he's crazy NOW given the long history of unhinged things he has said and done in the past.

I mean, in 1976 when he predicted Doomsday would be in 1982, you thought he was okay?

When he prayed for a nuclear attack on the State Department during the Bush 43 administration, that wasn't crazy to you?

When he claimed he could leg press 2,700 lbs. due to his "age-denying energy shake" a few years back, that wasn't proof he was a deluded lying scumbag?

The better headline might have been, "All Pat Robertson's 'friends' are blind fools!"

You So Crazy Alert™ :The supermarket rags gang up on Halle Berry.

Publications: Star, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 21 February 2011

The custody battle between Halle Berry and Gabriel Audry has turned very nasty indeed, and three different gossip rags have decided this week the nastiness is Halle's fault. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Halle's Twisted Revenge
• Star: Halle's smear campaign against Gabriel and Kim (Kardashian)
• In Touch: Halle's Dark Secrets

For the record, Gabriel Aubry is at least one boyfriend ago in the Kardashian dating history. Halle was quoted as saying she didn't want her daughter spending time with some reality TV star who made a sex tape, which is a mean but accurate way to describe Kim.

You So Crazy Alert™:Lisa Marie collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 January 2011

Pick on Scientologists Day continues here at It's News 2 Them™, and this time it's The Flagship picking on Lisa Marie Presley, who they say collapsed recently. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Loses shocking 55 lbs. in 5 months!
• Husband rushes to save her as she falls to floor
• Flies to L.A. for treatment
• Health secret she's hiding
  

Okay, let me get a little mathy here. (Those who know me know I can't help it.) Five months is about 22 weeks, so that means she was losing two and a half pounds a week on average. That's not shocking, that's good steady progress. But by the rules of the AMI kennel, if a Scientologist does a thing, it is by definition shocking or bad. Gain weight, lose weight, FAIL to lose weight... bad, bad, bad!

Glad I could clear that up for anyone unclear on the concept.

You So Crazy Alert™:Sarah Palin breakdown!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 January 2011

Sarah Palin wanted fame and fortune and now she's got it. It may not last, but early this year she is one of the favorite targets of The Three Wicked Step Sisters, the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner. The Enquirer had a story this week about Todd tomcatting around on her, and now the Globe is reporting she is having a breakdown, saying the tragedy in Tuscon has pushed her over the edge.

Sarah Palin has a lot of qualities that make some people love her and some people hate her. She speaks to her base very effectively, she's physically attractive, her story resonates with regular folks trying to get by. She also is very confrontational and nothing is ever, ever her fault. But I think the thing that has made her go through the roof and even catch the attention of the tabloids is the instant celebrity part of her story. In some ways, she's like Susan Boyle or Joe The Plumber or the homeless announcer guy Ted Williams, but unlike them, the press cannot seem to get enough of her, for good or for ill.

You So Crazy Alert™:Camilla collapses!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 January 2011

In 2010, only two gossip rags suffered under the delusion that Americans want stories about Camilla Parker-Bowles, the Globe and the low rent Examiner. The first Camilla story of 2011 continues that pattern, as the low rent Examiner says she has collapsed as she realizes all her clever schemes to ruin the happiness of Wills'N'Kate have come to naught. She is quoted as saying "Now I'll never be queen!"

You So Crazy Alert™:Julia Roberts attacks man in the street

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 27 December 2010

I have no first hand gossip about any celebrities, but I do have some very stale second hand dish. Twenty years ago when I worked for LucasFilm Games, a friend over on the movie side of things said Julia Roberts was a handful and most of the crew on Hook were not fond of her.

Fast forward twenty years and The Flagship is still telling bad stories about her. In their version, she attacked a man on the street. In other versions, she attacked a paparazzo, which is somewhat less innocent than just "a man on the street".

A better headline for this story would be "The Enquirer hates Julia Roberts!" but that can hardly be counted as news.