Damn You Skinny Alert™: A whole slew of too skinny celebrity women.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 20 June 2011

Star uses most of the cover this week to show women who are too skinny as far as they are concerned. The list includes Ashlee Simpson, Courtney Love, Keira Knightley, Taylor Momsen, Tara Reid, Gretchen Rossi, Candice Swanepoel and a blocked out face "Guess who?" picture of Taylor Armstrong from Real Housewives that was on the cover of Star last April.

The magazine expects their readers have the attention spans of gnats. They may be right as far as that goes.

Love Bird Alert™: Ashlee Simpson dating Pete's friend.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 21 March 2011

In Touch believes you want to know about Ashlee Simpson's love life since divorcing her husband, bassist Pete Wentz. She's dating one of his friends.

It might seem a little too close for comfort, but she's from a small gene pool so it seems natural to her.

On the rocks alert: The end of the marriage of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz

Publications: OK!, Us, In Touch
Date: 28 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Ashlee Simpson, Jessica's less interesting sister, married Pete Wentz, bassist/songwriter for Fall Out Boy, back in 2008. The couple was completely off the gossip mag radar in 2010, but now that they have filed for divorce, three magazines carry the story this week. Here are the headlines.

• Us: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz: What tore them apart
• OK!: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz: Things weren't right
  
• In Touch: Ashlee & Pete's sexless marriage

If this were a headline competition, I'd say In Touch wins on points.