On the rocks alert: Emily gives the ring back.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 6 June 2011

As a teacher, I understand the value of repetition in pedagogy, but this crap about the people on The Bachelor is getting ridiculous. For the past few weeks, it's been Weekly Life & Style that is entirely to blame, and there looks to be no chance for twists and turns. Emily said yes, then said no, and has been saying the same NO for weeks now.

Time to move on, Weekly Life & Style. You're the last kid on the playground and the fun has completely worn off.

Can we please make this the last Bachelor story?

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Let's get all the reality TV stuff out of the way early so we can get on to the actual trash about actual celebrities, shall we?

Here's a quote from Emily: "I never loved Brad."

Okay, that makes two of us. You just wanted the chance to be on TV while you are still young and cute. Got it.

NOW PLEASE GO AWAY!

The unending crap storm from Bachelor Brad and Emily.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Star
Date: 16 May 2011

I don't have a TV and I wouldn't watch this show if I did, so I had to go on Wikipedia to find out when this show ended.

Middle of March.

It's early May, and we get four different stories about these people and they don't agree at all. If I've learned one thing about the gossip rags in the last year and a half, it's that when they disagree, you can be sure the story isn't over yet.

Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Brad & Emily back together
• Star: Bachelor Brad's other woman spills his secrets to Star!
• In Touch: Emily's other man: Bachelor love triangle!
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Bachelor interview
  Brad's heartbreak
  Brad flies Emily to his hometown in a desperate attempt to save their relationship. "I still love her," he says. Inside their final days
  Exclusive photos their say goodbye

So, they are still together, but he's got another woman, she's got another man and they had a tearful goodbye.

Got all that? There is going to be a test later.

On the rocks alert: More Bachelor noise.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 9 May 2011

After Teen Mom, the reality TV series the tabloids love the most that annoys me the most is The Bachelor. These romances almost never work out and we get rehashes of the debris for months and months after the show goes off the air.

Even Kendra Wilkinson doesn't bug me as much as these clowns.

Anyway, here are the headlines.

• OK!: Emily: Why I gave Brad his ring back
• Weekly Life & Style: How Brad betrayed Emily

Okay, okay. We get it. He's a heel and she's a flake. Let's move on, shall we?

On the rocks alert: Why Emily left Brad.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 2 May 2011

In March, it was week after endless week of crap about the pinhead pictured above. But in April, the stories dried up and the strong consensus was that it was over. Now Weekly Life & Style gives us confirmation of the split. Here is the paragraph length sub-headline.

Did he cheat? Inside the teary phone call where Emily told Brad she'll never marry him. "I don't want to go through heartbreak again."

I don't want to read a headline about these two pinheads again. I expect both Emily and I are bound to be disappointed.

All the Bachelor dish for 11 April.

Publications: Us Weekly, Star
Date: 11 April 2011

The Bachelor is off the air but the supermarket rags cannot get enough of Brad and Emily. Two completely different takes on the situation this week, one fairly pleasant from Us Weekly, the other much more nasty from Star.

• Us Weekly: Brad & Emily: yes, we'll make it
• Star: Fears for Emily: Pregnant and scared
  Brad's violent fury
  He doesn't want a baby

Obligatory Bachelor post.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 April 2011

This season of The Bachelor was over a few weeks back, but the stories go on and on. The supermarket rags had a rash of stories at season's end about how wonderful everything was for Bachelor Brad and Bachelorette Emily, and the week after that a new rash of stories broke out that all said it was in the dumpster where it belongs. The story is losing steam, since five magazines had the bad news for the couple on the covers last week, while only two are telling us about it this week. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: It's over
  They're still smiling for the cameras, but Emily has now dumped Brad for good
  Plus: Chantal's better off without Brad, too
  'I have a new sexier man'
• Weekly Life & Style: Bachelor Brad confirms it's over

I will be so happy when the day finally comes and any mention of "Brad" is the supermarket rags will only mean what it should mean, Brad Pitt.

On the rocks alert: All bad news for Bachelor Brad and Emily this week.

Publications: Star, People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 March 2011

What a difference a week makes! There were three stories about The Bachelor last week, and it was all about the magic and having babies. This week, there are FIVE cover stories and they all say it's gone completely to crap.

Only the breakup of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got more coverage, and they are honest to God movie stars.

Here are the headlines.

• People: Brad & Emily's drama (only in People)
  The Bachelor blowup!
  Brad: "This is no fairy tale"
  She got cold feet. He's fighting to keep her. And now they are thinking about a baby? The couple tell all.
• OK!: Bachelor Brad has cold feet
• Star: Bachelor Bombshell: Brad's big lie - why he'll never marry
• Weekly Life & Style: Exclusive: Bachelor split
• In Touch: Bachelor betrayed - The real story
  How the"good girl" duped Brad into staying with her while sneaking around behind his back!
  Emily's caught with another man

I love that there are five different accounts, two of them are "exclusives" and another is a bombshell.

This show always promises people will find true love. Recalling the immortal wisdom of Rocket J. Squirrel, "But that trick never works!"

This time for sure.

Two stories about Bachelor Brad

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 March 2011

I'm not sure if I've brought it up before, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are owned by the same company, Bauer Publishing, a large German consortium. They are supposed to have different editorial policies, but they look very similar to me. This week, they both have stories about The Bachelor, one of the many reality TV shows I actively detest.

Weekly Life & Style's headline is simple: Exclusive! Bachelor breakdown.

Whether that means Brad is in a mental institution or they are just giving a recap of the season so far, the cover doesn't make it clear and if you really want to know, you'll have to open the magazine your own bad self.



In Touch, on the other hand, takes up most of the cover to let Bachelorette Emily have it with both barrels. She hasn't been mentioned on any previous covers, but it sounds like she is yet another run of the mill reality TV star.

Bachelor Brad betrayed!
Tricked by Emily's lies
Engagement to dead race car driver "fake"
A gold digger obsessed with fame
Her secret celebrity fling
Why proposing could be the BIGGEST mistake of his life

As the Bard so famously wrote, the course of true love never did smooth.
(Midsummer Night's Dream, Act 1, Scene 1)
That's the Bard, not the Brad.