And the camera noses in to the tears on her face: Teresa's prison nightmare.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 27 June 2011

The husband of Teresa Giudice, the gossip rags' favorite Real Housewife of New Jersey, is going to jail. Teresa is not happy about this. Here are the headlines.

• In a shocking exclusive interview, she opens up about:
• Her husband being locked up for 10 years
• Raising her kids alone
• "I'm terrified"

Back in late May, Teresa had a headline that read "Fame destroyed my family!"

Yep, fame and illegal activities are a bad cocktail.

Teresa's shocking split: 'Fame destroyed my family!'

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 June 2011

Every version of Real Housewives produces a breakout star, which invariably means there is one psycho bitch that that makes all the other psycho bitches look sane and reasonable. In Real Housewives of New Jersey this season, it's Teresa Giudice. Here are the headlines.

• Housewives exclusive interview
• Husband Joe Fumes, "I'm leaving"
• Fights over money, booze & jealousy
• "I'm embarrassed for my kids," she confesses

Embarrassment for her kids? OMG, what kind of weak psycho bitch is she? These women are supposed to be at least as bad as Sarah Palin, but this woman seems to have both some self-awareness and compassion towards others.

Some producer at Real Housewives slipping if this is the worst villain they could find.

Damn You Fat Alert™: Jessica Simpson drunk and crying over her weight.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 30 May 2011

Two very different stories about Jessica Simpson in the tabs this week. Star says she's upset over her weight, and gets drunk and weepy about it.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face: The disappearance of Holly Bobo.

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 May 2011

Holly Bobo, a nursing student from Tennessee, has been missing since April 13. The Globe acts like they've broken the case wide open. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Who took her and why
• all the chilling details

In fact, the police are still looking for her and/or her abductor.

Best wishes to Holly, her family and friends.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face: Wynonna Judd's daughter disappears!

Publication: Star
Date: 9 May 2011

The Star lets us know that Wynonna Judd's daughter disappeared and the FBI solved the case. They do not say whether it was a kidnapping or a runaway situation. You'll have to open the magazine to find that out, which is something I almost never do. I could have looked online to find out more, but I wasn't that interested.

Sue me.

Meanest Story nominee: Ashley Judd: "I was raped."

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 11 April 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Ashley Judd! The actress has a memoir coming out where she tells the story of a man who attacked her when she was a teenager and how she fought back. The Enquirer includes the fact that she fought back in the sub-headline and from other reports it sounds like an attempted rape, but that has never stopped the Enquirer from making a story as salacious as possible on the cover.

In any case, this blog sends Ms. Judd its best wishes. This story gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face: Will Christina lose her son?

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 21 March 2011

Instead of climbing the singles charts, Christina Aguilera is climbing the charts of mentions in the supermarket rags, which is usually not a sign of good news for pop singers. With all the rumors swirling around her, Us becomes the second magazine after the Star to speculate that she might lose custody of her son in the divorce proceedings.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face: Kathie Lee's tragic breakdown as ex-love dies

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 March 2011

Two stories about Kathie Lee Gifford this week, one in the Globe and one in the low rent Examiner. For both these rags, Kathie Lee is in the sweet spot of interest to their demographic, old pensioners who watch way too much TV. The Globe tells us an old flame of hers has died, thought they don't say who, and she's completely torn up about it.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face: Inside Lara Logan's ordeal

Publication: People
Date: 7 March 2011

CBS correspondent Lara Logan made news herself during the Egyptian uprising when she was sexually assaulted by demonstrators in the street. People has an interview with her this week and her picture on the cover.

This is exactly the kind of story that no other gossip rag has the gravitas to cover, if I am allowed to use that word in this context.

Best wishes to Ms. Logan, her family and friends.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face: Mariah Carey's sister is a hooker

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 February 2011

The Flagship doesn't like Mariah Carey much, though to be fair, they hate almost everybody. They have been the only source for stories about her current pregnancy having problems, and instead of re-hashing that this week, now they tell us her sister is a "$250 an hour adult escort".

Stay classy, Enquirer!

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:Humilated Katie Holmes fights back.

Publication: OK!
Date: 14 February 2011

Katie Holmes has hit some bad luck in her career recently. She played Jackie Kennedy in a mini-series that the Kennedy clan effectively squelched from being seen and some indie film she was in being previewed at Sundance got trashed by the critics.

OK! tells us she's fighting back, though exactly how is not made clear.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:The dark secret of Dancing With The Stars' Cheryl Burke.

Publication: People
Date: 7 February 2011

It's between season for Dancing With The Stars, so the number of stories is minimal right now, but Cheryl Burke decided to talk to People and reveal that she was molested when she was a girl.

It's brave of her to do this and it can be of help to other people who have been through similar experiences. Good for her.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:Teen Mom Leah's worst fears come true.

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 February 2011

So this Saturday morning, I decided to hold my nose and print all the headlines from the reality shows I like the least, Teen Mom and The Bachelor. OK! tells us the worst fears of Teen Mom's Leah have come true. This probably refers to the fact one of her twins has been diagnosed with a disability.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:Being a Teen Mom ruined my life

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 January 2011

Last year, I didn't report on "reality" TV show gossip if I could help it, but if I did, Amber Portwood would have at least ten cover stories by now. Weekly Life & Style made her the main story on the cover with an exclusive interview. The sub-headlines include:

• Her jail hell
• "Losing my baby would destroy me."
• Ready to give up show and $280,000 income

Does one of those sub-headlines jump out at you? Yeah, me too.

There is nothing "real" about the instant fame and ridiculous cash that "reality TV" gives to the people who sign their lives away to be on these shows. If this high school dropout went back to get her diploma, the money MTV is paying her would probably be very close to the total of the salaries of every teacher in every class she took in a school year.

And she got that for getting knocked up and being the kind of irresponsible, out of control bitch these producers crave like crack cocaine.

I don't just dislike "reality TV". "Reality TV" is yet another reason we don't deserve to survive as a species.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:Amber's secret tragedy.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 3 January 2011

Here's the first example of less censorship on the blog in 2011, though technically it's still December 2010 if you read a calendar instead of the cover of a gossip rag. I never reported before on the show Teen Mom and there were a lot of supermarket mag cover stories about it, especially about Amber Portwood. I haven't watched the show and unless I'm kidnapped and forced to watch, I never will. From what the gossip rag headlines, Amber is quite the handful and social services took her baby away because she's a slut and a generally unfit mother.

Supposedly, she has a secret tragedy. When it comes to reality TV shows, the word "secret" has no understandable meaning in English usage.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:Rev. Schuller's family greed costs a woman her home.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 27 December 2010

This isn't the first time the Rev. Robert Schuller has had his name trashed in the gossip rags this year, but the first story was in the low rent Examiner and this one is in The Flagship itself. Previously, family squabbles were killing the old huckster, famous in the 1960's for his drive-in church but noted now for the gaudy Crystal Cathedral and his Hour of Power TV show. Somehow, his family's greed is costing some poor woman her home.

If you go to their website, the Enquirer says they pay big bucks for juicy gossip. Obviously, the kind of big bucks they are talking about aren't "avoid a foreclosure" big.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:Kate Gosselin dumped from TV

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 29 November 2010

Weekly Life & Style says Kate Gosselin will be dumped from her TV show. That would mean we wouldn't have to read about her anymore in gossip rags.

Wouldn't that be nice?

In the beginning of 2010, Kate Gosselin was one of the favorite cover stories in the American supermarket rags. Since June, the number of stories has fallen significantly. Soon, I'd guess no later than January 2011, when the gossip rags talk about "Kate" and do not mention a last name, it will mean a story about Kate Middleton and not Kate Gosselin.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:Elizabeth Smart on the stand

Publications: Globe, OK!
Date: 29 November 2010

Elizabeth Smart, the young woman who was abducted in 2002 and held captive for nine months, will finally testify in court against her abductor, Brian David Mitchell. The headlines in the supermarket magazines this week read as follows.

Globe: Elizabeth Smart's revenge
OK!: Elizabeth Smart, her painful testimony

It's a little odd how many trials are taking place this year dealing with crimes that took place eight or nine years ago. At least the reason for the delay in this one, hearings to determine if Mitchell was competent to stand trial, makes a little sense. Best wishes to Ms. Smart, her family and friends.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:Courteney heartache as mistress tells all

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 29 November 2010

Here's a quick review of Courteney Cox's appearance on the covers of the gossip rags this year.

February: Star said she was pregnant. It's late November now, so I think we can mark that story as not true.

May: Star said she was cheating with co-star Brian Van Holt.

October: the online gossip source TMZ breaks the news that they have been separated for months. This hits the supermarket rags with seven stories in a single week, which is a record that will be hard to top. Then the next week, two gossip mags say they are back together.

Then nothing for a month.

This week, Weekly Life & Style does the classy thing and gets an interview with the broad David Arquette has been banging, talking about "Courteney's heartache".