On the rocks alert: Sean Penn dumps Scarlett Johansson.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 20 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The news of the breakup of Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson has been all over the online gossip world, but only Us Weekly puts it on the front cover.

I for one am glad to see it. Kind of a creepy couple if you ask me.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Scarlett trapped in Sean's dirty divorce.

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 6 June 2011

Star writes that Scarlett Johansson is trapped inside Sean Penn's divorce proceedings. In point of fact, the divorce from Robin Wright Penn was finalized last August, so she's really trapped in a nasty post-divorce situation.

I've been so creeped out by this story, I didn't do the math for the Sophisticated French Rule, which says that an older person may date a younger person if the younger party is more than half the elder's age plus seven. Sean Penn is 50 and Scarlett Johansson is 26, so this is a massive fail of the Sophisticated French Rule. To give you an idea of how bad this is, ten years from now when he is 60 and she is 36, she's still too young for him.

Ick.

Love Bird Alert™ and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Lots of stories about Scarlett and Sean.

Publications: Us Weekly, OK!, In Touch

Date: 25 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are on three covers this week, several speculating that Scarlett is pregnant because of a photo that looks like a baby bump. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Scarlett's secret bump!
• OK!: Sean & Scarlett pregnancy shocker!
• Us Weekly: Scarlett moves in with Sean

Ms. Johansson's reps deny the story.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Reese Witherspoon's big day finally arrives.

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 11 April 2011

Reese Witherspoon got married last month and her wedding ran the table on the nice half of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. No magazines in the AMI kennel mentioned her happy day, but all five gossip rags that aren't connect to the Enquirer empire did. Here are the headlines.

• People: Reese's big day plans
• In Touch: Reese baby news
• Weekly Life & Style: Reese's wedding album
• OK!: Reese weds star studded ceremony
• Us Weekly: Reese's wedding
  A-list guests Gwyneth, Kate (Hudson), Scarlett, Renee (Zellweger)
  Their sweet vows, how she included Ava & Deacon
  Plans for a baby

None of the five mention the name of the groom, Jim Toth, but I expect if you are old enough to read this, you are old enough to know that weddings aren't really about grooms, are they?

Love Bird Alert™:more on Scarlett Johansson dating Sean Penn

Publications: Star, Us Weekly
Date: 21 March 2011
(picture nicked from TMZ online)

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The supermarket rags and other gossip sources have been flogging the rumor of Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn dating for a while, and finally at least we have a picture of them together. Here are the headlines from this week's stories.

• Us Weekly: Scarlett and Sean: Sexy fling turns serious
• Star magazine: How Scarlett seduced Sean
  inside their Mexican tryst

Given this blog's pro-love policy, I should wish the happy couple all the best, but even though I admire Sean Penn's politics, something about the guy still creeps me out.

Love Bird Alert™:Scarlett Johansson dating Sean Penn

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 21 February 2011

Us Weekly tells us that Scarlett Johansson is secretly dating Sean Penn, the operative word being "secret". There are no pictures of them together anywhere to be found on the Internets and her representative denies the story. For this reason, I give this story the "In Touch fail" label and I put up a picture of her alone lying on a couch.

'Cos she's purdy.

UPDATE: I've taken away the fail label and given this story the Scoop of the Week instead. First reported in February, they are still a couple in June, which is long enough in the gossip rag business to say that this is serious.

Love Bird Alert™:Ryan and Scarlett share a romantic meal

Publications: Us Weekly, In Touch
Date: 14 February 2011

Estranged couple Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson had dinner together recently, and the story has it that Scarlett cried. No, mean Ryan didn't make her cry, she felt bad about being apart. This is fueling speculation that they will get back together, and both In Touch and Us Weekly decided it was worth a mention on the cover.

On the rocks alert: Ryan, Sandra and Scarlett, three different versions

(photo montage from celebezine.com)
Publications: Star, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 January 2011

So this is still the hot story of the beginning of 2011, the triangle between Scarlett, Ryan and Sandra. There are three different stories on the covers of three different magazines and they barely agree at all.

• Star: The Bitter Showdown! Scarlett confronts Sandra over Ryan
• In Touch: Ryan wants Scarlett back
• Weekly Life & Style: Sandra puts baby over romance. Is she afraid to love again?
  Plus, inside her meeting with Scarlett

As I have often written, when the tabloids disagree this much, it's hard to tell who is telling the truth, but it's a sure thing the story isn't over.

On the rocks alert:Scarlett's side of the story

Publications: National Enquirer, OK!
Date: 24 January 2011

In an odd coincidence, Scarlett Johansson's side of the big break-up of the season is on the covers of both the nicest supermarket rag and the meanest. If you don't know which is which, the difference in the headlines should give a big hint.

• OK!: How Scarlett found out about Sandra
• National Enquirer: Scarlett to Sandra: "You're a Man Hungry Tramp!"
  Battle over Ryan gets ugly!

Did you notice the subtle difference, gentle reader? Yes, I thought you might.

And a little bit of editorializing on my part. Since I took out The Big Ugly Stick on Victoria Beckham yesterday, let me say something nice about Scarlett Johansson today, bringing out the gentlemanly aspect of my Dirty Old Manhood. She is not the prettiest actress working today. Feature for feature, she isn't Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie, to give two examples. But when the camera is on her and she is told to "act sexy", nobody in Hollywood can keep up with her.

On the rocks alert: Ryan and Scarlett, what went wrong

Publication: People
Date: 10 January 2011

Clearly, the breakup of Ryan and Scarlett is the biggest celebrity split right now, so it only makes sense that The Gold Standard would weigh in on the situation. As usual, I didn't open the magazine up to find out exactly who was to blame, but I expect their version of the story wil be closer to the truth than stuff published elsewhere.

Extra labels to the story below.

This is just here to add extra labels to the story below. Annoying blogger bookkeeping stuff.

On the rocks alert:How Scarlett broke Ryan's heart

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 3 January 2011

The divorce of Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds has been announced, but blame has yet to be determined completely. According to Us, she broke his heart, the shameless hussy!

Another theory of the problem is put forward by the Star this week. Having conflicting stories in different gossip rags is not uncommon, and it's always a sign that the story isn't over yet.

On the rocks alert and scoop of the week #2:Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds break up

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 27 December 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The break-up of the marriage of Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson has already been reported online, but Us Weekly is the only supermarket magazine to get the story on their cover this week, so they get Scoop of the Week honors for that.

With any luck, Scarlett's search for love will be a big story in 2011 and I will get to search for lots of pictures of her.

Which is nice because she's purdy.

Breaking news:Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson to divorce

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 14 December 2010

Welcome to gossip hell, Scarlett Johansson! Her two year marriage to Ryan Reynolds, recently picked as People's sexiest man of 2010, is now over.

These two are much more popular in the online gossip world, simply because the audience skews younger and Scarlett shows up on the red carpet in "Day-um she's hott!" clothes frequently. Now that they are both on the market again, I expect they will get the same treatment in 2011 that Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal did in 2010.

Because the news broke mid-day on a Tuesday, it's not certain the story will be covered in the rags that are printed tomorrow and on the stands on early Thursday.