"Daddy says the Bible's a load of bunkum!"

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"I think you're the fucking Antichrist."

5 Off My Head - Jake's Bear Love

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By now you've probably heard that Jake Gyllenhaal will be guest-starring on the season premiere of Bear Gryll's "fun time in the outdoors" show Man Vs. Wild on July 11th on the Discovery Channel. (Set your Tivos!) They'll be taking on the wilds of Iceland, apparently. Now I've only seen a minute or two of Bear's show before - usually the more ridiculous clips that The Soup highlights - but I've seen enough to have several possible scenarios instantly cloud up my brain wherein Bear could show Jake all about roughing it. Not that Jake's a stranger to huddling up in a pup-tent, of course, but let's take a look at the scenarios all the same, eh?

Constantly Getting Naked - Bear Grylls has never been confronted with an obstacle in nature that can't be met head-on by taking off all of his clothes. If you think the fact that they're gallivanting around in an icy wintry setting is enough to keep Bear dressed, think again.

Getting Peed On - I don't know if there are jellyfish in the freezing cold waters of Iceland, something tells me there aren't, but maybe they'll find one in a hot spring beside a volcano! Or maybe Bear will just pull one out of his rucksack and throw it on Jake's face at some point. I don't care how it happens. (Now I couldn't find an example of this actually happening on MVW, but taking into consideration what's to come, let's just set aside those doubts.)

Drinking his own pee - Speaks for itself, I suppose.

Never know when you might get thirsty.

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Wearing his own pee - Okay, so apparently this is water-sports heavy. I cannot help these things! It's just the way the cookie's crumbled. Take it up with Bear. Urine, like nudity, solves everything!

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Salt Water Enema - Oh dear this has turned out 

all sorts of wrong. Nature's such a pervert!

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Point being, I hope you brought some protection

from the elements, Jake. Lots and lots of protection.

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It's National "Run With Jake" Month!

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(via) Just the other day we saw him and Peter Sarsgaard giving their short-shorts a work-out and now here he is with his End of Watch (aka Bald Cop Fetish Movie) co-star Michael Peña yesterday. I'm free on Sunday, Jake! I'd love to work up a sweat with you.

I Like How They Color Coordinated Their Tanks

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And who knew Peter Sarsgaard had such great legs? (via)

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The Greatest Trick The Devil Ever Pulled

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Okay, that image I just created for this story is freaking me out. Jinkies. Uh... so... we've been waiting to see what project Jake would pick for his follow-up to Bald Cop Fetish Movie, and now we've got some word. Via The Playlist:

"Variety reveals that Jesse Eisenberg and Jake Gyllenhaal are in early stages of negotiations to join the high concept “Now You See Me.” First announced near the beginning of the year, the story written by Boaz Yakin (”Prince Of Persia: Sands Of Time,” “Fresh”) and Edward Ricourt, follows a crack FBI squad in a game of cat-and-mouse against a super-team of the world’s greatest illusionists, who pull off a series of daring bank heists during their performances and showers the profits on to their audiences.

Sounds like no heist movie we’ve ever seen and Summit and the filmmakers see big things for the picture. Apparently Colin Firth, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jim Carrey and Hugh Grant were all approached to take roles in the film, before it was decided to go for younger leads. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Olivia Wilde and Melanie Laurent all have offers out to them."

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I'm Gonna Run, To YoooOOOOOOoooouuu

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How sweet of Jake to slip on his slinkiest running gear and hightail in my direction, tongue wagging, once he heard I was back. He's good people, and I'll make sure he's commended for it. As you the rest of you, hi and junk. Italy was a whirlwind of spires and ruins and horsemeat, and it was grand, thanks for asking. Now can you tell me some stuff I might've missed? I feel so out of it.

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If This Picture Of Jake Gyllenhaal Is Real...

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... and that's really him getting all yogi in his underpants,
then I've lived a full life, and can die now.
Any idea if it's real? Well whatever...

It's real enough for my needs, anyway. (via)

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Sorry For The Interruption!

It's not that I don't love you. Blogger's just been down for 24 hours or so, baby. I promise. I wasn't out with any other younger, sexier readers. You gots my word! What's that? My word's no good? Then how about these pictures of Jake from yesterday, taking my point from the other day that he's looking really good right now, and multiplying it by infinity?

That t-shirt. Good grief. Anyway as you can probably tell (unless it changes between five seconds ago and when I hit post here) all my posts from yesterday are missing right now. They say they're fixing it. I hope so. I did fine work yesterday! Anyway stay tuned or whatever.

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Can We Just Take A Moment...

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... to appreciate how good Jake's looking right now?

Because damn. (pics via)

Today's Mood

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I feel ya, Jake.

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I Am Link

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--- Forget Fassy Not - Continuing his ace game at lining up interesting projects with interesting filmmakers, Michael Fassbender's in talks with Danny Boyle for his next movie. It's called Trances and it's a thriller about an art thief who gets amnesia while being the only one in his gang that knows where they've hidden their prime loot. Hijinks ensue. Sounds like a return to Shallow Grave territory for Boyle, which is very very welcome.

--- Fresh Prince Unchained - Quentin Tarantino wants Will Smith to play the Django in his slavery-centered revenge thriller Django Unchained. I usually tend to like Will Smith in things, but in the wake of him foisting his intolerable children on us these past couple of years that's been tested. Still, Smith would have to be a total lunatic to say no to QT.

--- Jumper - Slash has a batch of new posters, including the one for that "Patrick Wilson and Charlie Hunnam make out a bunch okay whatever they fight, sigh" movie The Ledge, which we saw a trailer from last week.

--- Hot Lips - In a piece for The Awl, Joe Reid managed the incomparable feat of judging the best of the Best Kiss nominees of MTV Movie Awards past from top to bottom. Speaking of, hey there Jake and Heath in Brokeback Mountain!

--- In The Company of Crooks - Old pals Neil Labute and Aaron Eckhart are reteaming for a movie that kind of sounds like Dirty Rotten Scoundrels set in Mexico. God I love Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Now I need to watch Dirty Rotten Scoundrels right now!

---  The SS Folk Singer - There's a lengthy article/interview with Sufjan Stevens at The Observer worth checking out if you bow before him like I do. Lookin good, Suffy.

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Who Wore It Best?

The boys in blue?

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poll by twiigs.com

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I suppose we'll have much more opportunity to judge their respective fillings-out of the uniform when Jake's movie End of Watch and Channing's movie The Son of No One are released whenever, but for now we can (and will!) judge based off these shots from the sets, no?

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Jake Two Times

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Bald Cop Jake

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I know what I'll be dreaming of tonight. (via)

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Earth Day's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... getting back to nature with Jake.

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Gonna Get Nailed Whether We Want It Or Not

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I know Jake's not the one who gets the nail through his noggin in David O. Russell's (only not David O. Russell's) unfinished film (only about to be not unfinished) Nailed, that would be Jessica Biel, but I think it's a fairly safe bet to think that if I were to poll you, my audience, a fairly large percentage of y'all would rather stare at a picture of Jake than her. So I went with that. Anyway! There is movement on the Nailed front, again. Although if this portends good or ill I've become unable to decipher. This movie hurts my head.

"Film Music Reporter have revealed that John Swihart (”Youth In Revolt,” “New In Town”) has been hired to score the film. As you might recall, way back in 2009, it was reported that Squeak E. Clean (aka Sam Spiegel, Spike Jonze‘s younger brother and one half of the quasi hip-hop duo N.A.S.A.) had been tasked with the soundtrack duties—a fairly bold choice. But it’s probably a safe guess that with Russell bouncing, Spiegel’s music likely went with it (and/or with the film in such production disarray as it was, Clean may have been hired, but the music may not have even been composed since there wasn’t much of a post-production).

But with Swihart’s hire, it looks like moves are being made to finish the film..."

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Seriously You Two

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Will ya just make out already? 

This is quick becoming my new futile pet cause.

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Jake Finally Found the Right Beard

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After finding Duncan Jones to be delightful at that Q&A for Source Code, I wholly approve of this union. I want them to watch them start a fire by rubbing their facial hair together.

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I Wouldn't Do That If I Were You, Jake

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This will be the only time that I ever advise against it, but sneaking up behind Patrick Wilson might not be the best idea this weekend. He's awfully jumpy. He's got good reason to be, what with the terrifying demons and what not. And anyway, Jake's got problems of his own, what with the constant exploding.

Both Source Code (my review) and Insidious (my review) are out today, and they're both worth seeing, besides a couple of minor reservations here or there. You'd have a fine weekend at the multiplex if you sought them both out. There are several other movies out today as well, and you can read up on my thoughts on those over at Celebrity Beehive. I blame Hop for altering the course of humanity, amongst other things, so don't miss it!

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