Weekly World News alert: Titanic survivor want to be returned to deserted island!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 4 July 2011

The Weekly World News has two headlines this week, which is a good thing because Nostradamus isn't giving any specific dates on the cover, so no Skeeter Davis Alert™. This week they say a Titanic survivor wants to be returned to her deserted island because "I can't stand another day of civilization!"

While I understand the sentiment, I would like to point out a few historical facts to the tabloid readers with double digit IQs.

1. The Titanic sunk in 1912, not 1997 when the movie was made.
2. The Titanic sunk in the frigid north Atlantic, not the balmy south Pacific. If any lifeboat made it to a deserted island, it would be a miserable, hard-scrabble existence like Shackelton, not a fun adventure like Robinson Crusoe or Gilligan's Island.

Sorry to spoil the fun with boring stuff like math and geography.

Skeeter Davis Alert™: Bible code reveals what will really happen in 2012!

Publication: Sun
Date: 27 June 2011

The Sun has a headline that barely meets all the requirements of a prophecy I can publish and check, which means a date, in this case the end of 2012, and an event, which isn't written in words, but does have a picture of the globe blowing up.

Also, the Sun tells its readers this is based on Bible codes, not some off brand Mayan prophecy that can't be reliable.

Who buys this stuff? As my brother pointed out recently, 100 is the average and the median IQ in the world, so half the world, and half of of Americans in particular, have two digit IQs.

It explains a lot.

Weekly World News alert: Noah's Ark found in Bermuda Triangle!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 27 June 2011

While this does not reach the heights of "Bat Boy Found In Cave!", putting Noah's Ark and the Bermuda Triangle in the same story shows a little initiative from the Weekly World News writers and I applaud them for it.

They also added the tagline "And you'll never guess what they found on board!"

About that they are correct. I'll never guess.

Weekly World News Alert: Al Qaeda wants to name 9/11 "Osama Day".

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 20 June 2011

While the Obama administration is not touting the murder of Osama Bin Laden every chance they get, the AMI gossip rags are. This week, it's the Weekly World News telling us Al Qaeda wants to rename Setpember 11 "Osama Day".

Four prophecies for 2011!

Publication: Sun
Date: 20 June 2011

The Sun gives us four prophecies for 2011, but none of them involve the End of the World or even so much as a plague or terrorist attack. Still, they have expiration dates, so they can be tested for accuracy.

Hillary Clinton is going to announce a run for the presidency.

Miss Betty White will buy a baseball team and they will win the World Series.

NASA files reveal why JFK really died.

(Did the shot come from outer space?)

And a weeping statue predicts Billy Graham's last days.

By the end of the year, I will report back on all these predictions.

Skeeter Davis Alert™: More bad news from the Mayans.

Publication: Sun
Date: 13 June 2011

The Sun has not been very useful to this blog over the past few months. I do not publish their end times stuff or disaster prediction unless there's an actual date involved and they haven't done much of that this year. This week they throw me a bone with predictions based on the alleged upcoming apocalypse foretold by the Mayans. Here are the dates.

• July 2011: earthquakes rock the Midwest
• Sept 2011: Great flood sweeps entire U.S.
  

As for earthquakes in the Midwest, they do happen and there have been some big ones, but because it's the relief of pressure in the middle of a tectonic plate, they are very rare. The graphic shows a house completely demolished. As a Californian, I'm going to be all arbitrary and say anything less than a 6.0 on the Richter scale is not a quake worth predicting.

The graphic for the great flood is a massive honking wave hitting the Statue of Liberty, so I'm going to say that a river overflowing its banks in September will NOT count as a correct prophecy.

Weekly World News Alert: A promise of no pictures of Lindsay Lohan inside.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

The Weekly World News has a cute gag headline about a promise to have no pictures of Lindsay Lohan in their magazine this week, with a picture of LiLo on the cover where she is running from paparazzi and barely visible.

I think the gag would be funnier if they had named a real tabloid gossip star like Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Kim Kardashian or Angelina Jolie, but still, it's a cute little joke.

News you can use from the presidential book of secrets.

Publication: Sun
Date: 30 May 2011

The idea that there is a Presidential Book of Secrets is a popular conspiracy theory like Area 51, fueled by popular movies and such. The standard idea is that it has the information the United States is still keeping secret after decades or possibly centuries, but the Sun has decided it contains prophecies about the future as well.

Hey, it's fiction, Knock yourselves out.

The three secrets they share on the cover are:

• CIA says Bin Laden still alive
• When more jobs are heading your way
• How U.S. government dodges World War III

As you can see, this is a pretty magical book. I'd usually ignore this because it doesn't give anything specific in terms of dates, but it continues the rumor that Bin Laden is still alive, so I included it.

Weekly World News alert: Hunter captures talking Bigfoot.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 23 May 2011

The Weekly World News has had a lot of semi-reality based headlines over the past few weeks, shying away from the magical and wacky stories that endeared them to goofy aging hipsters such as myself and Padre Mickey back in the day. But this week, they return to their roots with a story about a hunter finding a talking Bigfoot and the two becoming best buddies.

Bonus points for anyone who knows the story behind the picture I nicked.

Weekly World News alert: Guess who Barack Hussein Aloha Obama is related to?

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 9 May 2011

The Sun has a prediction this week, but no dates on the cover, so I'm only reporting on what the Weekly World News has to say. According to them, the Only President We've Got is related to...

Sarah Palin, the queen of the I-Quit-arod.

Not an actual laugh, but I did smile.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™: No sign of an Easter apocalypse.

Publication: Sun
Date: 21 February 2011

Back in February, the Sun told us the stuff to expect in the next 100 days. While the 100 days aren't up yet, they did mention that an apocalypse on Easter would shock the United States.

Well, Easter has come and gone and if there was something shockingly apocalyptic, the lamestream media completely ignored it. Being a heathen Commie bastard who has already lived through ten failed prophecies in the past sixteen months, I'm going to assume that there actually wasn't an apocalypse yesterday.

All of you end of the world fans can take heart that the end of the 100 days on this prophecy coincides with Dr. Harold Camping's specific warning about May 21, 2011, which is less than four weeks away now.

Weekly World News alert: Princess Diana is alive and hiding in the U.S.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 2 May 2011

After going far afield to do an End of the World story last week, the Weekly World News is back to doing what they do best, making up preposterous crap about dead people.

Princess Di is alive, hiding in the U.S. and will only be able to watch her son's wedding on basic cable, assuming she can afford it.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? Who killed JFK?

Publication: Sun
Date: 25 April 2011

Things are topsy turvy on the cover of the Sun this week. It was the Weekly World News that had a story about the End of the World, which is usually the exclusive property of the Sun itself, while the Sun had a headline about who killed JFK (as usual, not Lee Harvey Oswald, because how would that be news?).

JFK stories are usually in the Globe or the low rent Examiner, the major suppliers of Hey Old Timer Gossip, which I count as stories about people famous before I graduated high school back in the early 1970s.

Go figure.

Skeeter Davis Alert™: End of the World postponed three years!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 25 April 2011

The Weekly World News and the Sun, allegedly two different editorial staffs sharing the same pages, got their wires crossed this week. The Sun has a story about the JFK assassination and the Weekly World News has a headline about the end of the world.

The Weekly World News tells us that someone who predicted the apocalypse has come out and changed the date by three years.

Let me admit a weakness. This headline made me open the tabloid, something I do not do on general principles. The person changing his mind was some off brand preacher from Alabama who said the end of the world would be in 2010, who now says the correct date is 2013.

Just to be clear, it was NOT Dr. Harold Camping changing his mind. He still says the Rapture will take place on May 21, 2011.

Of course, he also predicted it would be September 6, 1994, and when that day came and went incident free, he pushed the date back to March 1995. After his second swing and miss, the good Doctor said "The Lord has decided to tarry."

In the immortal words of Rocket J. Squirrel, "But that trick NEVER works."

Weekly World News alert: Alien kept alive in Area 51!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 18 April 2011

Someone at the Weekly World News doesn't read the Weekly World News. They tell us an alien is being kept alive in Area 51.

Boooooo-rrrrring!!!!!!

In the Weekly World News, it's a given that there are living aliens. They have to do fun stuff like endorse Ross Perot or hang out with Michelle Obama.

I'd give them a failing grade, but I'm feeling generous and I'll make it an incomplete instead.

Billy Graham fought demons... and won!

Publication: Sun
Date: 18 April 2011

The Sun had its usual fare on the cover this week. You know, end of the world just around the corner, in fact just "weeks away". But, that's not a testable date, so I'm not broadcasting that story.

They did have a headline they called a "last days shocker" that Billy Graham claims to have fought demons... and won!

If that's goofy Christian code talk for saying he's cut his son Franklin out of his will, well... that would truly be a blessing.

'Cos that mofo is crazy.

Weekly World News alert: Is that an alien with Michelle Obama?

Publication: Weekly World News
Date: 4 April 2011

The Weekly World News alien has been around for a long time, meeting with various political leaders in Washington for at least two decades. This cover from the mid 1990's had him meeting with Newt Gingrich, but being an up to date alien, this week he meets with the First Lady.

Nostradamus and the new 9/11 in 2011.

Publication: Sun
Date: 4 April 2011

The Sun is back to being useful as far as this blog is concerned, which means they are giving predictions with dates on the cover. It's not the End of the World this time, so no Skeeter Davis Alert™, just the next massive terror attack, but it does come from everyone's favorite vague French 16th Century poet and prophet, Michel de Nostradamus. Among the visuals are a crashing plane, a mushroom cloud and pictures of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Of course, as bad as a nuclear terror attack would be, let's recall we are less than two months away from The End of the World according to Dr. Harold Camping, so it might be a good idea not to sweat the small stuff.

Weekly World News alert: Real life island of Dr. Moreau has the freakiest animals on earth.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 28 March 2011

The Weekly World News tells us about the freakiest animals on earth on a real life island of Dr. Moreau, and use a black and white version of this bad photoshop I found on the web to prove it.

This is a weak effort from the Weekly World News, and I think the Sayer of the Law would agree with me.

If you want to find the freakiest animals on earth, you must contact the spirit of Rick James.

Bitchez!

Skeeter Davis Alert™ :Final prophecies come true in 2011.

Publication: Sun
Date: 21 March 2011

It's Daylight Savings Time this weekend, and the editors at the Sun would like you to move your clocks forward to the End of the World. They put yet another prediction of the End Times on their cover, saying that ALL the final prophecies will become true in 2011.

Among the signs they promise are fiery visions of Jesus seen all around the world.

They also say millions of more birds will fall from the sky.

Plan accordingly.